SALT LAKE CITY, UT–In a surprising but welcome turn, Republican Governor Spencer Cox of Utah, vetoed a law banning trans athletes from competing in girls’ sports. Cox believes the bill needlessly targets youth who already had to live in Utah. “The dead-eyed freaks of this burned wasteland elected me to mitigate the pain of living… Continue reading Governor Vetos Anti-Trans Law, Claims Living In Utah Already Oppressive
BLACKSBURG, VA – You hear cries of unfairness all the time! “Trans people are ruining sports!” Or rather, trans women. For SOME REASON, nobody seems to care about trans men in men’s sports, but that’s an issue for a different day! The goal of any sport is to be the best…unless you’re trans, in which… Continue reading “Trans People Are So Sensitive” Says Athlete Who Cried After Losing Literal Game.
DES MOINES, IOWA – Although most of the response has surrounded its effects on trans students and athletes, the recent Iowa bill which bans trans women from women’s sporting events has further controversial content. An amendment, added in the Senate and reconciled after the House passed it, establishes for the first time that dogs cannot… Continue reading Iowa Trans Athlete Ban Also Says Dogs Can’t Play Basketball
JACKSONVILLE, FL–Floundering in his single preseason game appearance, the former quarterback turned broadcaster turned baseball player turned some-other-position-on-a-football-team, Tim Tebow has been released by the Jacksonville Jaguars. When interviewed about his supposed favorite football player, God suggested that maybe Tebow should have taken the hint a few years back. “You see, I don’t pay much… Continue reading Jacksonville Jaguars Cut Tim Tebow, God Refuses To Help Him
CITY NAME TBD, COUNTRY NAME TBD – Despite a very-much-active pandemic still raging, the worlds’ top athletes came together in Tokyo for the Olympic Games, which ended Sunday. The event proved to be a successful two weeks for the LGBTQ community! The news was filled with headlines highlighting the accomplishments of the queer community –… Continue reading BREAKING: Queer Community Forms Sovereign Nation, Plans to Compete in 2024 Olympics
TOKYO–Facing increased scrutiny, the small group of transgender athletes from around the world competing in the 2021 Toykyo Olympics come together to solidify their plans: Patience. These elite athletes plan to bide their time until they can utterly dominate the Olympics. The specifics of the timeline, from decades to hundreds of years, remains under wraps… Continue reading OLYMPIC SPECIAL: Trans Athletes Bide Time Until Utter Domination!
TALLAHASSEE, FL- Citing unfair biological advantages, Tallahassee dork, Mildred Van Snoot has petitioned the state legislature to ban coordinated students from competitive sports. “My daughter has missed out on important athletic scholarships, scholarships that would have changed her life, based solely on her inability to run in a straight line, throw a ball, or stand… Continue reading Dweeb Moves to Ban Athletes From Competition
LAS VEGAS–Logging into on social media throughout the world, NFL fans around the nation filled comment sections on news articles about how much they do not care. Carl Nassib is reportedly the first active player in the NFL to come out as gay, and fans responded with a sigh. “I’m a straight man and I… Continue reading NFL Player Comes Out As Gay, Fans Claim They Don’t Care
AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND- The transgender community around the world is simultaneously celebrating and girding whatever loins they have preparing for backlash as the first transgender woman qualifies for the Olympics. Laurel Hubbard, a world class weight-lifter, holds the weight of the entire transgender community on her shoulders. “It’s exciting, certainly, but I’m getting ready to… Continue reading Trans Community Goes “Yay” then “Oh, Crap”
LAS VEGAS–In a surprise move, the Ultimate Fighting Championship has announced a new bout to feature the most despised statesmen from throughout the world. UFC has announced their lineup for the Eldritch Statesman Bout, and the title fight shall include Donald J Trump and Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz. It being billed as a match up… Continue reading Card For UFC Eldritch Statesman Bout Announced: Trump Vs Cruz