NEWPORT, RI– Local trans guy and barista Max Governor has discovered the secret to eternal youth – shaving. Customers at his coffee shop are astonished, and jealous, of the change. “It’s amazing; I wish I could take years off like that myself,” says local Book Group attendee Sue Armstrong. “I keep buying these overpriced creams… Continue reading Trans Guy Takes 15 Years off His Appearance In 5 Minutes! Find Out His Secret! (Spoiler: He Shaved)
Max has considered thinking about exercising. Maybe. The idea has crossed their mind several times now. Lucas reports that they’ve almost taking up running several times in the past several years. At LEAST four times.
JACKSON HOLE, WYOMING — Joan Horowitz woke up the morning of January 7th like she did every other morning before that one. She opened her eyes, turned off her alarm, and, squinting from the sun in the windows, rolled over to greet her furry little friends. What she saw would change the world forever. Joan’s… Continue reading Local Woman “Literally Dead” After Witnessing Cats Being Cute.
MINNEAPOLIS, MN– The holiday season is upon us, and it’s a time for families around the country to get together and celebrate, and drunkenly argue about politics and minor personal squabbles while trying to pretend they don’t all hate each other. However, just like last year, a little issue called “the pandemic” is keeping some… Continue reading Covid Is An Excuse for Queers to Avoid Their Families
OPINION- I am sick and tired of the stigma surrounding the Queer community! For too long, we’ve had to endure erasure and insulting assumptions. As a Queer Woman, let me be perfectly clear: my sexuality is not a mental disorder! I ignored my mental disorders for a lot longer than my sexuality. I am not… Continue reading If My Sexuality Were A Mental Disorder, I’d Have Ignored it Longer
DAVENPORT, IA–Following fears that adults would provide free THC-infused candy from the wretched sin-soaked state of Illinois, a new threat has emerged to frighten parents of children. Some people fear that so-called “titty skittles” will enter the candy supply, causing the nation’s youth to transgender. “No. Just no,” said one transgender, speaking under the condition… Continue reading Parents Beware: Titty Skittles Hot New Candy
EVANSTON, IL- Local leftist high schooler Allisa Lawrence has lately been giving her unvaccinated family members earfuls about “trusting in science,” encouraging them to get over their “irrational” beliefs and just get the shot for fuck’s sake. She continuously posts links to numerous scientific studies on Facebook that she may or may not have read… Continue reading “Trust in Science,” says Leftist who knows little about Science
CINCINNATI, OH- Citing several popular YouTube channels, a group of surgeons known as Committee of MedICal Surgeons Against Nose Suffocation have come out against wearing face masks while performing the most difficult of procedures. “Surgeons have been safely performing surgeries for years while wearing masks, but with all these self-appointed experts who can’t handle wearing… Continue reading Mask-Free Operating Rooms Coming Soon?