Fashion · Pop Culture · Sports

BREAKING: Queer Community Forms Sovereign Nation, Plans to Compete in 2024 Olympics

A gay ball

CITY NAME TBD, COUNTRY NAME TBD – Despite a very-much-active pandemic still raging, the worlds’ top athletes came together in Tokyo for the Olympic Games, which ended Sunday.

The event proved to be a successful two weeks for the LGBTQ community! The news was filled with headlines highlighting the accomplishments of the queer community – from Filipina boxer Nesthy Petecio dedicating her medal to the LGBTQ community, to Laurel Hubbard’s historic appearance, to the slew of coming-out announcements and partner shout-outs during interviews, these games have been prettyyyyyy gay!

Now that the 2020 Olympics have come to a close, it only makes sense to start planning for the next one, immediately. And that’s why the LGBTQ community has come together to secede from our respective nations and form our own country and utterly dominate 2024.

“I mean, we already have a flag. And it’s a great flag that will look amazing on uniforms,” noted an Olympic swimmer who only identified themself as “Mack.” Mack asked to remain anonymous and that we not reveal their country of origin. “That place is dead to me,” Mack offered, suddenly in a rainbow sweatsuit. “I’m a citizen of Gayland now.”

While “Gayland” is a good option, the country name has not yet been agreed upon, with other names such as “Queerzistahn” and “The People’s Republic of Gay” being thrown around. The land is kindly being donated from Greece, Lesbos to be specific, which is also a good country name.

Conversations surrounding specifics of uniform designs have already begun. “I’m sure some teams will use sequins and glitter, which, in my opinion, is a bit predictable from the gays,” offered Kent Howe, a 2024 swimming hopeful, who continued “plus, I think glitter in the pool is frowned upon.”

Rumor has it that the skateboarders will wear bear suits, the rowers have a chainmail design in the works, and the volleyball teams, in a total throwback move, plan to go completely nude.

“Gays are going to win every medal in 2024,” said Jessica Lynch, who is not an athlete, but is married to a now-former member of the US women’s artistic swimming team. Lynch is just one of many spouses excited to be an official Gay citizen. She continued, “I wouldn’t be surprised if every country legalized gay marriage by 2028, just to try and recruit us back onto their teams. But it will be too late. We will be too powerful and too hot. There will be no turning back”

While the next Olympics are technically the 2022 Winter Olympics, arguably the gayer of the two Olympics, the newly independent citizens and athletes will have to do a lot of boring paperwork, but collectively the community warns: be jealous of our impending designs, success, and total domination!