ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL— Following right-wing agitators being whiny little bitches about American super-box chain Target selling LGBT+ branded merchandise again this year, Target has folded to pressure and is pulling some but not all of their queer-money-baiting merchandise. Reportedly, they’ve even come up with a less-controversial replacement: merch promoting white pride.
“We want to do something that will not alienate any of our guests, and celebrates the specialness in all of those who shop here.” Says Stan Whiteburg, the new head of product development.
“If that means pissing off the fruits, well, who cares about them anyway? Yes, we profited off of a decade plus of LGBT pride merchandise, but it’s not like we really actually cared about them or anything.”
Products being introduced include:
- Baby overalls saying “White is out of sight”
- Bland-ass Cookies with all-white frosting
- Coffee mugs with white power fists
- Pinwheels that reportedly don’t spin
We’re also being told that depending on the success of these products, others are coming down the line, such as “White Pride” spice blends that are just salt and white pepper.
Budweiser is also reportedly getting in on the trend, and is planning on releasing a milky-yet-really-watery specialty flavor “Bud White”. Early reviews say it tastes “awful,” but no one has ever decided whether or not to drink Bud based on the flavor.
Workers for Target, in particular the Queer and POC workers who make up most of the workforce, are not happy. Many have reportedly been heard saying, “Fuck this,” and crying in the break rooms. A wave have put in applications at Walmart, which has suddenly become the “less racist” option.