News Shorts · Sports

Dweeb Moves to Ban Athletes From Competition

With two outs, Chicago White Sox relief pitcher Addison Reed (43) watches as Chicago White Sox second baseman Gordon Beckham, center, and third baseman Conor Gillaspie are unable to catch a fly ball. 5-4. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)

TALLAHASSEE, FL- Citing unfair biological advantages, Tallahassee dork, Mildred Van Snoot has petitioned the state legislature to ban coordinated students from competitive sports.

“My daughter has missed out on important athletic scholarships, scholarships that would have changed her life, based solely on her inability to run in a straight line, throw a ball, or stand in the sun for more than thirty minutes,” said Van Snoot’s father, Representative Vincent Van Snoot (R). “She has been robbed, pure and simple, by students with the unfair advantage of practicing. In a broader sense, I seek to protect the other nerds, dweebs, slackers, couch potatoes, and dateless losers who won’t shut up about Supernatural in the great state of Florida.”

Van Snoot’s bill has very recent precedent. Thirty-five bills introduced in 2020 aimed to ban or limit trans women from competing with their cis counterparts were introduced across the country. This discrimination inspired Van Snoot. “If Florida can ban girls from sports for a little extra testosterone, why can’t we ban Taylor Christenson for being taller than me and having a boyfriend?” Said Van Snoot. “She shouldn’t get to be captain of the volleyball team just because she’s naturally taller, faster, stronger, and tried out for it. It’s not fair!”

Florida’s talented and physically fit population has vowed to fight this ban when it is inevitably passed. “Van Snoot’s proposal is another transparent attempt for the majority to chip away at the rights of a minority population. In this case, the minority population is Floridians who voluntarily run,” explained Sky Diaz of The Society for Americans With Hand/Eye Coordination. “We have the stamina to withstand this noodle armed assault on our civil liberties.”

Van Snoot intends to present her case before the state legislature as soon as they fix the elevator.