THE RIVER STYX, HELL–After the disastrous excursion of the submersible known as Titan, QueerCoded correspondent Charles Darwin was able to catch up with Stockton Rush, former owner of the private company OceanGate and Captain of Titan. A transcript follows: Transcript Charles Darwin: Good day! I must say that it is quite an honor to meet… Continue reading Exclusive Interview: Sub Captain Stockton Rush in Hell
BLACKSBURG, VA – You hear cries of unfairness all the time! “Trans people are ruining sports!” Or rather, trans women. For SOME REASON, nobody seems to care about trans men in men’s sports, but that’s an issue for a different day! The goal of any sport is to be the best…unless you’re trans, in which… Continue reading “Trans People Are So Sensitive” Says Athlete Who Cried After Losing Literal Game.
WASHINGTON DC–After three years of research, Queer Coded’s own investigative reporter and lesbian Samantha Mollins has finally released her bombshell report: girls pretty. “I was surprised when the conclusion of all my work fit into two words myself,” Mollins mused. “But then I thought about it for a while, and then I thought about it… Continue reading Lesbian Investigative Reporter Releases Bombshell Report: Girls Pretty
MEMPHIS, TN– Terry McKinnon, local wine mom and Instagram user, has filed a suit against her parents for 42 years ago vaccinating her against measles, polio, and a host of other diseases commonly vaccinated against as a child. “I mean, I love my parents, but I can’t let this slide!” Says McKinnon, while rearranging her… Continue reading Anti-Vaxxer Sues Parents for Vaccinating Her Against Polio As a Child
JACKSON HOLE, WYOMING — Joan Horowitz woke up the morning of January 7th like she did every other morning before that one. She opened her eyes, turned off her alarm, and, squinting from the sun in the windows, rolled over to greet her furry little friends. What she saw would change the world forever. Joan’s… Continue reading Local Woman “Literally Dead” After Witnessing Cats Being Cute.
Rita Cooper was just trying to drive home from work on a rainy day. As the local, conservative woman accelerated her pickup truck onto the freeway ramp, she couldn’t believe what she saw – a giant, gleaming rainbow right over the traffic-filled road. There it was, coming down loudly from the sky, right in the… Continue reading “Why is Sexual Orientation Brought into EVERYTHING,” Says Conservative After Rainstorm.
Is there anything more exciting than welcoming a new baby into the family? Of course not! That’s why we, as a society, keep inventing new ways to celebrate a tiny person who doesn’t exist yet, for reasons that may or may not involve loads of free gifts for the parents-to-be. It’s not just baby… Continue reading It’s a Twink! Expectant Parents Throw Sexuality Reveal Party
Let’s get it out of the way, you’re awful. But there’s still something we need from you: A collection of worlds from which to extend our leader’s empire in this Galaxy. Sancho Mu Arae e is also known as HD160691e, this planet is named after the character in the totally hot Don Quixote. Not to… Continue reading List: Let’s Just Say We’ll Be Impressed If You Conquer These Planets In The Name Of Our Space Emperor
EVANSTON, IL- Local leftist high schooler Allisa Lawrence has lately been giving her unvaccinated family members earfuls about “trusting in science,” encouraging them to get over their “irrational” beliefs and just get the shot for fuck’s sake. She continuously posts links to numerous scientific studies on Facebook that she may or may not have read… Continue reading “Trust in Science,” says Leftist who knows little about Science
Location and overview of Tall el-Hammam. Via Nature. TALL EL-HAMMAM, JORDAN–A recent study published in the journal Nature supposes that the site of the ancient city of Sodom was not destroyed by an almighty and angry God. Archeologists posit that the city was instead flattened by an air-burst similar to the Tunguska event and that… Continue reading Sodom Destroyed By Possibly Homosexual Meteor
