Month: August 2021

“You Don’t Have To Make Everything Gay,” Says Het, Cis Man
Lifestyle · Pop Culture

“You Don’t Have To Make Everything Gay,” Says Het, Cis Man

Lillie Franks

SAN ANTONIO, TX–In yet another example of the internet spreading misinformation, cisgender and heterosexual Twitter user “@Coolgamer6327” claimed Monday that gay people “don’t have to make everything gay”, demonstrating his blissful unawareness of the Curse. LGBT community leaders responded to the tweet by staring wistfully into the distance, mournfully recalling the days when they too… Continue reading “You Don’t Have To Make Everything Gay,” Says Het, Cis Man

Homophobic Remark Sees Net Profit Of $4500
Food · News Shorts

Homophobic Remark Sees Net Profit Of $4500

Ed.

MADISON, WI–Examining the receipt of a credit card customer, local waiter Ivan Dreyer discovered a rude note on it and no tip. The receipt said that there was no tip because Dreyer was a “sinfull [sic] homosexual.” “That’s ridiculous,” Dreyer said. “It is. My husband and I have been married since it was legal and… Continue reading Homophobic Remark Sees Net Profit Of $4500

Astrophysics In Turmoil At New Evidence Regarding Time And Charlie Watts’ Death
Music · Science

Astrophysics In Turmoil At New Evidence Regarding Time And Charlie Watts’ Death

Ed.

GENEVA–Physicists around the world looked at TV screens absorbing the news; there has been a long held belief that the easy questions were answered, that there was nothing obvious left and that all the new physics was full of theory and massive super colliders. However, astrophysicists were shaken to the ground when the news was… Continue reading Astrophysics In Turmoil At New Evidence Regarding Time And Charlie Watts’ Death

a hot person LGBTQ Community’s Preemptive Request: LEAVE CARA ALONE!
Celebrities · Fashion · Music · Pop Culture

LGBTQ Community’s Preemptive Request: LEAVE CARA ALONE!

Alex Seligsohn

You know Cara Cunningham. You love her. You may remember her from the cinematic masterpiece “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE.” Well, Cara came out as trans and has begun her transition, and we couldn’t be happier for her! While coming out as trans is a huge accomplishment, and should be a moment of pride, we also know… Continue reading LGBTQ Community’s Preemptive Request: LEAVE CARA ALONE!

Tensions Ease as Bisexual Woman’s Boyfriend is Confirmed Trans
News Shorts

Tensions Ease as Bisexual Woman’s Boyfriend is Confirmed Trans

Kate Canter

COOPER HILLS, CA–Citizens of Cooper Hills California can rest easy tonight as sources confirm their resident bisexual remains sufficiently queer by dating a trans man. The controversy began when local bisexual, Kirsten Cho, was seen holding hands with what appeared to be a white het cis male Thursday afternoon. When questioned, Cho identified the man… Continue reading Tensions Ease as Bisexual Woman’s Boyfriend is Confirmed Trans

Scientists Report: Woman On Internet Knows She’s Fat.
News Shorts · Science

Scientists Report: Woman On Internet Knows She’s Fat.

Ed.

TARRE HAUTE, IN–Announcing a major breakthrough, a team of leading researchers at Indiana State University made waves as they stood in front of the collected faculty. They determined that a woman on the internet knows she is fat. The woman, who they identified as only Patient Mae, is overweight and knows it. “It was a… Continue reading Scientists Report: Woman On Internet Knows She’s Fat.

HEY FRANK: We Know The Next Gen Graphics Are Amazing But Please Wear Underwear While Streaming
Gaming

HEY FRANK: We Know The Next Gen Graphics Are Amazing But Please Wear Underwear While Streaming

Ed.

OPEN LETTER: Hey, Frank, we were watching you speed-run through the Cayo Perico heist on GTA5: Online. And seriously that was some really good playing, but I gotta ask you one small favor. Can you please wear underwear next time? It’s not that I’m a prude or that you’re gross but it’s just that you… Continue reading HEY FRANK: We Know The Next Gen Graphics Are Amazing But Please Wear Underwear While Streaming

Jacksonville Jaguars Cut Tim Tebow, God Refuses To Help Him
News Shorts · Sports

Jacksonville Jaguars Cut Tim Tebow, God Refuses To Help Him

Ed.

JACKSONVILLE, FL–Floundering in his single preseason game appearance, the former quarterback turned broadcaster turned baseball player turned some-other-position-on-a-football-team, Tim Tebow has been released by the Jacksonville Jaguars. When interviewed about his supposed favorite football player, God suggested that maybe Tebow should have taken the hint a few years back. “You see, I don’t pay much… Continue reading Jacksonville Jaguars Cut Tim Tebow, God Refuses To Help Him