VULCAN, CANADA- Pop singer Demi Lovato recently, among other things, released a new line of vibrating sex toys called the “Demi Wand”. The vibrators, which retail for $79, and are suitable not only humans but also creatures from other planets who have traveled to Earth looking for freaky inter-species sex. However, this price point is… Continue reading Poor People Need to Fuck Extra-Terrestrials As Well
All across America, millions of people got together with their families over the Thanksgiving holiday. The long weekend marked the first time in two years that many families were able to celebrate together, in-person, IRL, due to the Covid-19 Pandemic. Thanksgiving also marked a LOT of misgendering of non-binary people by their families. Specifically –… Continue reading Local They/Them Got She/Her’d SO Hard Over Holiday Weekend.
LOS ANGELES–JoJo Siwa is an ICON. This will never NOT be true. She made waves by coming out as LGBTQ knowing her target audience is kids. She blazed trails with her designer, patterned button-downs. And she is the first and only Dancing with the Stars competitor and finalist to have a same-sex dance partner. So… Continue reading Lesbians Worldwide Call in Sick After JoJo Siwa Doesn’t Win Mirrorball Trophy
KENOSHA, WI- Across the country, conservatives who have built a platform of being tough on crime were shocked and infuriated at the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse on all cou- haha, just joking, of course they weren’t. What are they? People who actually care about the stuff they say they believe in? “I’ve always said strict… Continue reading Tough on Crime Conservatives Furious at Kyle Rittenhouse’s Acqui- JK, lmao, Can You Imagine?
KENOSHA, WI- After a memorable trial and massive amounts of media coverage, 17 year old wannabe terrorist/freedom fighter Kyle Rittenhouse has been declared not guilty of murder on the basis of self-defense. Rittenhouse is still guilty of being a horrible human being, however, a fact that is apparently not against the law. “This is America,… Continue reading Breaking: Kyle Rittenhouse found not guilty of murder; guilty of being a total peice of shit
Let’s get it out of the way, you’re awful. But there’s still something we need from you: A collection of worlds from which to extend our leader’s empire in this Galaxy. Sancho Mu Arae e is also known as HD160691e, this planet is named after the character in the totally hot Don Quixote. Not to… Continue reading List: Let’s Just Say We’ll Be Impressed If You Conquer These Planets In The Name Of Our Space Emperor
LOS ANGELES–Following one of Bill Maher’s “New Rules” Segments, the entire Millennial Generation found themselves unable to argue against the comedian’s bulletproof logic and decided to descend into hedonism. Specifically, Maher’s observation that Greta Thunberg had fewer followers on social media than Kim Kardashian led a number of millennials determining that the environment was already… Continue reading Millennials Turn Against Environment At Bill Maher’s Urging
If there is one thing gay people definitely aren’t watching, it’s the CMA awards. This year, that’s unfortunate, because at the Country Music Awards featured a VERY IMPORTANT GAY KISS last week. And that kiss changed EVERYTHING, we guess! Here’s what went down at Wednesday’s ceremony: T.J. Osborne, of the Brothers Osborne, a band we… Continue reading BREAKING: Country Music Super Gay Now
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Citing video games, pornography, and idleness as portents of danger in American Life, Senator Josh Hawley placed the blame squarely on people who criticize masculinity. The senator said, “[A]fter years of being told they are the problem, that their manhood is the problem, more and more men are withdrawing into the enclave of idleness… Continue reading Senator Josh Hawley Encourages Traditional Male Activities Like Poetry, Alchemy, Sodomy
LONDON–Expecting to die soon, Queen Elizabeth looked to solidify her legacy which has lasted since before World War II until she witnessed the rapid decline of the United States. The Queen announced her United Kingdom would annex the Isle of Terflandia. The newly deemed protectorate is the first new land since relinquishing Hong Kong in… Continue reading Queen Elizabeth Expands British Empire, Claiming Terflandia
