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Jacksonville Jaguars Cut Tim Tebow, God Refuses To Help Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL–Floundering in his single preseason game appearance, the former quarterback turned broadcaster turned baseball player turned some-other-position-on-a-football-team, Tim Tebow has been released by the Jacksonville Jaguars. When interviewed about his supposed favorite football player, God suggested that maybe Tebow should have taken the hint a few years back.

Tim Tebow sporting “Mark 8:16” printed in his under-eye grease

“You see, I don’t pay much attention to football. Well, the American Football. I do like a bit of the ol’ footie, but whatever. That’s not important. What is important is that Tim prayed to me and I was honest, that maybe football wasn’t for him. But he didn’t listen. He just continued to paint bible verses on his grease paint and honestly that’s a little gauche. I even sent him to Jacksonville. I mean, how much clearer could I have made it?” 

But even after that soul to soul chat, Tebow continued trying to become a sports person. He played in the minors but only achieved a a .163 batting average in Triple-A.

“Now I mean, when even the best hitters in the world rarely approach one in three hits, but I mean, I can only do so much. This isn’t something like ‘The Natural.’ I mean look at him. Tebow isn’t Redford, for me’s sake. I tried to tell him again. But he just wouldn’t listen.”

So, for now, it appears that Tebow’s career in sports is over, at least on the field. He may have plans to return to the broadcast booth. God also remains skeptical of that endeavor. “I mean, I got Harry Carey up here. What the hell am I going to listen to Tebow for?”