OLYMPIC SPECIAL: Trans Athletes Bide Time Until Utter Domination!

Laurel Hubbard at the Gold Coast competition.

TOKYO–Facing increased scrutiny, the small group of transgender athletes from around the world competing in the 2021 Toykyo Olympics come together to solidify their plans: Patience. These elite athletes plan to bide their time until they can utterly dominate the Olympics. The specifics of the timeline, from decades to hundreds of years, remains under wraps as the group meets only in secret at the quadrennial event.

While there has been increased scrutiny of transgender athletes–and more specifically transgender women athletes–in the sports world, there has not been any transgender women athletes that have qualified for the Olympics. “This is mostly because we’re patient,” said Laurel Hubbard, a weight lifter from New Zealand. She is known for not speaking often to the media, partly because of the intensely transphobic comments often directed at her. “You see, we had Chris [Mosier], who tried out for the racewalk; and there was relatively little attention paid to him then. Sadly, he was injured, but we continued pushing. And here we are.”

The Olympic Committee has allowed transgender athletes since 2004, but none had qualified for the games until this year, which speaks to the patience of these pioneers.

“What we plan to do, over the coming Olympics, is to completely dominate the sports we join. But not yet. We don’t want anyone to be too suspicious. I mean so many people think we will just win all the medals. And we won’t. Not yet. But wait. That’s not the plan. Just that eventually we’ll win one.”

According to a leaked conversation on the trans communication network known as Twitter, “Don’t tell the cis. But, sometimes, if transgender athletes compete, transgender athletes will win. We just need to be patient so one of us can lock in domination for one event. Maybe two.”