SALT LAKE CITY, UT–In a surprising but welcome turn, Republican Governor Spencer Cox of Utah, vetoed a law banning trans athletes from competing in girls’ sports. Cox believes the bill needlessly targets youth who already had to live in Utah.
“The dead-eyed freaks of this burned wasteland elected me to mitigate the pain of living in here. While I may not understand these students, I believe that residing in Utah is terrible enough without targeting them,” Cox said in a statement to the press. “Utah is a testament to the universe’s cruelty and inhabiting such a place mocks the very idea of a loving god. As such, I couldn’t possibly care less which pronoun plays for what team. Ultimately, every child will burn the same under Utah’s unforgiving sun.”
Trans Advocates were pleased but disconcerted by the governor’s decision. “I guess this a win?” Said Patricia Lopez, head of the Salt Lake City chapter of PFLAG. “We kind of thought that was already a rule here. Like, we’re in Utah, you know? We appreciate that trans kids can play on the teams they feel comfortable with but…this feels like a trap, right?” Lopez then checked behind a cactus for cops or scorpions before walking backwards to their car, holding the keys between their knuckles like Wolverine claws.
Utah Republicans have already condemned Cox’s veto. We spoke with Mary Ann Sinclair, the mother of a senior Volleyball player at Cedar Hills high school. “Every trans athlete playing on my daughter’s team is robbing her of an opportunity to get the hell out of Utah. The Governor is condemning biological girls to toil in this sun-bleached testament to man’s hubris just to win political points! It’s a shame, along with every dust-covered breath we draw in this hellscape.”
Cox remains firm in the face of such criticism. “There is no winning in Utah,” he tweeted yesterday, “not in sports or politics. There is dust and sun and degradation. Let the kids play where they want. It won’t save them.”
According to a recent Gallop Poll, 86% of Utah residents believe that nothing will.