Lifestyle · Opinion

The Other Side of the Aisle: Stranger’s Rights!

Man peering between blinds
Offended at gay people? No need to be any longer! You have that right! (Photo credit: Pexels.)

Editors note: Periodically we have submissions from those with competing views. As a balanced news source, we feel the need to share those views with our readership.

by Brett Pettifogger, Esq.

Today, I’m going to unfurl a fresh piece of jurisprudence – “Stranger’s Rights”. This groundbreaking theory seeks to protect the delicate sensitivities of modern society. The mantra? “I shouldn’t even see what I disagree with ever.” Imagine a world with no LGBTQ people! No Democrats! Hate people who do not speak English without a Midwestern or Southern accent? Be rid of them! This world can be yours.

Does the presence of a homeless person make you uncomfortable? You have that right to not be around anyone ever that you don’t like. This is a brave new world where personal comfort is king.

Stranger’s Rights is the fortress you never knew you needed, built brick-by-brick with laws and cherry picked quotations from religious texts and political pamphlets written by men long dead that mean to shield you from the barbarity of dissent. Nobody needs diversity of thought when everyone knows you’re the one that’s right!

The crown jewel of Stranger’s Rights is the ‘Right to Unsee.’ Did you stumble on something that offends your religion? Fear not, invoke your Right to Unsee and watch the world conform to your sensibilities. Do you think vaccines do not work? Very well then we shall make the court remove all viruses from existence. See how easy it is! That’s what we did with evolution. Remember?

Some people say we live in a society; that is not true. That’s what the founding fathers said. They said we ought to have automatic rifles and bazookas, after all.

Think of Stranger’s Rights as a bubble engineered to precision. Your likes, dislikes, beliefs, and ideologies, meticulously catered for. Every sign, every billboard, and every advertisement meticulously filtered through your lens, ensuring the world around you echoes your perspectives. That is your right in America.

And if it’s not, of course it could be! This right will cause a surge in cases concerning offenses and will pave the way for a bustling marketplace of litigation, because that is what courts are for: imposing your will upon others. Does the color of a neighbor’s fence clash with your outfit? Does a busker’s song interrupt your commute? Call our law offices to instigate a courtroom showdown.

Imagine a world that dances to your tune. Isn’t that the pinnacle of personal liberty we should all aspire to reach? Let us create this new world order where comfort is the new courage.

Detractors may contend that Stranger’s Rights impedes others’ rights. To them I say: I can’t hear you.

Brett Pettifogger, Esq. is a wonderful person who deserves all the love in the world!