Science · Sports

“Trans People Are So Sensitive” Says Athlete Who Cried After Losing Literal Game.  

Lia Thomas, swimming
ATLANTA, GA – MARCH 17: University of Pennsylvania swimmer Lia Thomas swims in the 500 Freestyle finals during the NCAA Swimming and Diving Championships on March 17th, 2022 at the McAuley Aquatic Center in Atlanta Georgia. (Photo by Rich von Biberstein/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)

BLACKSBURG, VA – You hear cries of unfairness all the time!

“Trans people are ruining sports!”

Or rather, trans women. For SOME REASON, nobody seems to care about trans men in men’s sports, but that’s an issue for a different day!

The goal of any sport is to be the best…unless you’re trans, in which case, you can’t even be mediocre…to keep things fair! If there’s one thing we know about sports, it’s that no athlete can be better, stronger, or larger than another! Those are just the facts! That’s SPORTS!

Recently, a Virginia Tech swimmer placed 17th in a race where trans athlete Lia Thomas also participated. Had this Swimmer placed in the top 16, she would have advanced to the next round, but she failed to beat 16 total people to secure a spot…and obviously there was only one person to blame!

No, of course it’s not HERSELF!

“It’s just not fair,” the Swimmer wept. The Swimmer, whose name nobody knows, as she is not that great, claims to have suffered an injustice.

Apparently, Thomas’ mere presence made it impossible for this Swimmer in particular to place anywhere between 1-16. Through sniffles, the below-average Swimmer continued “and if I say something about how ridiculous it is that someone better than me won, then I’M the bad guy? Trans people are so sensitive! Why can’t they face REALITY?” 

When asked about the “reality” of the 15 cisgender swimmers she could have out-swam to advance, the mediocre Swimmer, through tears, said “stop being a snowflake!” According to her calculations, she could have finished in first place, if it weren’t for the presence of a pesky trans person! 

“It’s just not right,” said local swim fan, Jeff Linklater, reporting that he’s sick of this generation and their delicate ways. “This is what happens when you give everyone a participation trophy,” he reported from a rally to reward the 17th-place Swimmer.

Attendees of the rally believe that the Swimmer’s placement was a travesty, and are fighting for her right to have the full glory and recognition of 16th Place.

Meanwhile, scientists are struggling to find out whether or not one trans athlete is, in fact, equal to or greater than 15 cisgender athletes.