Politics · Sports

Iowa Trans Athlete Ban Also Says Dogs Can’t Play Basketball

A Basketball Playing Dog Taking Away Scholarships from Young Boys

DES MOINES, IOWA – Although most of the response has surrounded its effects on trans students and athletes, the recent Iowa bill which bans trans women from women’s sporting events has further controversial content. An amendment, added in the Senate and reconciled after the House passed it, establishes for the first time that dogs cannot play basketball.

“It always bothered me,” said Jim Carlin, the Senator who added the amendment. “Every time I tried to play a game of basketball, I’d find myself worrying: what if a big old golden retriever just ran onto the court and scored a basket using his nose? How could I defend from that? Well, I’m happy to report that for the first time, Iowans can sleep easy knowing this won’t happen to them.”

“A lot of people think sports should be an inclusive place to have fun and create magical moments,” Carlin added. “That’s not really what the Iowa Republican party is about.”

“Frankly, I think this is just playing politics,” local columnist Francesca Rittings said. “Every time an election cycle comes around, the Republicans put together some new bill banning dogs from doing a thing that dogs ordinarily don’t do. It’s like red meat to the Republican base.”

“This is just the Tramp act all over again,” she added, referring to the now repealed 2006 law, which banned Italian restaurants from serving dogs spaghetti and playing the violin for them while they ate it.
The law has already had effects on many athletes, such as Kevin Elfinger, whose team, The Hard Luck Hounds had to forfeit the regional championship due to insufficient team members due to the bill.
“I really thought our beloved dog Champ could take the last position on the team, allowing our rag-tag team of misfits one last chance to prove themselves and beat those Centerville snobs. This mean-spirited bill took that from us.”

“Laws like these have real consequences,” he added, shaking his head at the recently demolished local youth center.

Despite protests and backlash to the act, Republicans are apparently doubling down, already discussing a new law which would clarify that dogs go to whoever has the legal rights to them, even if they choose someone else.