movies

Area Trans Woman Sees Matrix: Resurrections, Totally Decides To Not Relive 1999

ROCKFORD, IL–Downloading Winamp from the Internet, local woman Ashley Sampson (No Relation) had just finished watching Matrix: Resurrections. She said that had nothing to do with her decision to search through totes of clothes in hopes of finding something shiny. “Don’t be ridiculous. There’s no way I’m going back to 1999,” she said. She was… Continue reading Area Trans Woman Sees Matrix: Resurrections, Totally Decides To Not Relive 1999

Nature · Photos · Science

List: Let’s Just Say We’ll Be Impressed If You Conquer These Planets In The Name Of Our Space Emperor

Let’s get it out of the way, you’re awful. But there’s still something we need from you: A collection of worlds from which to extend our leader’s empire in this Galaxy. Sancho Mu Arae e is also known as HD160691e, this planet is named after the character in the totally hot Don Quixote. Not to… Continue reading List: Let’s Just Say We’ll Be Impressed If You Conquer These Planets In The Name Of Our Space Emperor

Celebrities · Politics · Pop Culture

Millennials Turn Against Environment At Bill Maher’s Urging

LOS ANGELES–Following one of Bill Maher’s “New Rules” Segments, the entire Millennial Generation found themselves unable to argue against the comedian’s bulletproof logic and decided to descend into hedonism. Specifically, Maher’s observation that Greta Thunberg had fewer followers on social media than Kim Kardashian led a number of millennials determining that the environment was already… Continue reading Millennials Turn Against Environment At Bill Maher’s Urging

News Shorts · Politics

Senator Josh Hawley Encourages Traditional Male Activities Like Poetry, Alchemy, Sodomy

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Citing video games, pornography, and idleness as portents of danger in American Life, Senator Josh Hawley placed the blame squarely on people who criticize masculinity. The senator said, “[A]fter years of being told they are the problem, that their manhood is the problem, more and more men are withdrawing into the enclave of idleness… Continue reading Senator Josh Hawley Encourages Traditional Male Activities Like Poetry, Alchemy, Sodomy

News Shorts · Politics

Queen Elizabeth Expands British Empire, Claiming Terflandia

LONDON–Expecting to die soon, Queen Elizabeth looked to solidify her legacy which has lasted since before World War II until she witnessed the rapid decline of the United States. The Queen announced her United Kingdom would annex the Isle of Terflandia. The newly deemed protectorate is the first new land since relinquishing Hong Kong in… Continue reading Queen Elizabeth Expands British Empire, Claiming Terflandia

Business

Half Of LGBT Workforce Faced Discrimination, Other Half Don’t Want To Rock Boat

  INDIANAPOLIS, IN–Following a particularly egregious display of homophobic behavior, local woman Trina Holland declined to go to Human Resources to report the incident. “I know I should, but I don’t want to rock the boat,” she said while she took down a photo of her and her wife on their honeymoon from her cubicle.… Continue reading Half Of LGBT Workforce Faced Discrimination, Other Half Don’t Want To Rock Boat

Psychology

Area Man Has, Like, The Saddest Dream Ever

DES MOINES, IA–Awaking to the crushing realization that even the best dreams are nightmares in disguise and there is no hope even in those hours of blissful slumber, 43-year-old Robert Forrester of Des Moines woke up last night to what most officials are calling the saddest dream ever and left him sobbing on the side… Continue reading Area Man Has, Like, The Saddest Dream Ever

Health · Lifestyle

Parents Beware: Titty Skittles Hot New Candy

DAVENPORT, IA–Following fears that adults would provide free THC-infused candy from the wretched sin-soaked state of Illinois, a new threat has emerged to frighten parents of children. Some people fear that so-called “titty skittles” will enter the candy supply, causing the nation’s youth to transgender. “No. Just no,” said one transgender, speaking under the condition… Continue reading Parents Beware: Titty Skittles Hot New Candy

News Shorts · Politics

“Vote Blue No Matter Who” A Smashing Success At Disappointing Democratic Voters

WASHINGTON D.C.–Announcing that nothing will ever get better, Senate and House Democrats have announced that their agenda was implemented as they had envisioned. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said at a press conference, “We have reached our goals and we are proud to announce that we have disappointed America yet again. It was a smashing success!… Continue reading “Vote Blue No Matter Who” A Smashing Success At Disappointing Democratic Voters