Category: News Shorts

OLYMPIC SPECIAL: Trans Athletes Bide Time Until Utter Domination!
Sports

OLYMPIC SPECIAL: Trans Athletes Bide Time Until Utter Domination!

Ed.

TOKYO–Facing increased scrutiny, the small group of transgender athletes from around the world competing in the 2021 Toykyo Olympics come together to solidify their plans: Patience. These elite athletes plan to bide their time until they can utterly dominate the Olympics. The specifics of the timeline, from decades to hundreds of years, remains under wraps… Continue reading OLYMPIC SPECIAL: Trans Athletes Bide Time Until Utter Domination!

Oy Gevalt! Jewish Conversion Therapy Counselor Actually Ekht Feygeleh!
Lifestyle · News Shorts · Politics · Psychology · Science

Oy Gevalt! Jewish Conversion Therapy Counselor Actually Ekht Feygeleh!

Alex Seligsohn

Oy Vey! Another day, another homophobe caught on a gay dating app! This time, it’s Jewish psychologist Norman Goldwasser of Florida, and the Jewish Queer community wants bupkis to do with this guy! This pisher had the inexplicable chutzpah to run a conversion therapy camp. Goldwasser was kibitzing with LGBTQ teens about how to become… Continue reading Oy Gevalt! Jewish Conversion Therapy Counselor Actually Ekht Feygeleh!

Beloved Comedian And Writer Dies, Was A Real Piece Of Shit
News Shorts · Pop Culture

Beloved Comedian And Writer Dies, Was A Real Piece Of Shit

Ed.

OKALLA, PA–Following a lifetime of work and after his tragic demise at the hands crushed under a pile of frozen peas, the comedian Mark “Longitude” Lounge left fans with a vast catalogue of work spanning years. He also left behind a history of being a real piece of shit.  “Wow, Mark,” said producer Kyle Burns,… Continue reading Beloved Comedian And Writer Dies, Was A Real Piece Of Shit

brain with lines representing "waves" BREAKING: Sapiosexual Actually Classist, Elitist Misogynist
Nature · News Shorts · Psychology · Science

BREAKING: Sapiosexual Actually Classist, Elitist Misogynist

Alex Seligsohn

Despite advances in human rights in recent decades, LGBTQ+ people are still a largely oppressed group. Straight people, often jealous of our sweet, sweet oppression, are always finding ways to cash in on that envious desire to have their existence debated. That’s why local, cisgender, heterosexual male, Jacob Lang, has come out as a Sapiosexual. … Continue reading BREAKING: Sapiosexual Actually Classist, Elitist Misogynist

TERF Tattoos Uterus on Face
News Shorts · Pop Culture

TERF Tattoos Uterus on Face

Ed.

MADISON, WI–Self-proclaimed gender critical radical feminist Kristy Johnson declared that she was done mincing words with who’s she called “trans activists.” “These trans activists have had their hands in everything. Really the only thing that can remain firmly in what a woman has is motherhood. That can only be accomplished now by us, the real… Continue reading TERF Tattoos Uterus on Face

Local Writer Submits Materials for Show that Airs Way Past Bedtime.
News Shorts · Politics · Pop Culture

Local Writer Submits Materials for Show that Airs Way Past Bedtime.

Alex Seligsohn

Local comedian an aspiring writer Megan Jones just finished a late-night packet. For those not “in the know,” a packet is a sample collection of monologue jokes, field pieces, sketches, etc. that comedians submit to be considered for writers’ room jobs on late night shows. These shows are hosted by famous people such as Stephen… Continue reading Local Writer Submits Materials for Show that Airs Way Past Bedtime.

Queercoded Editor Overdoses on Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough Bites
Food · Politics

Queercoded Editor Overdoses on Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough Bites

Josh

MILWAUKEE, WI–An associate editor of the news site Queercoded is in the hospital today after over-doing it with Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough Bites. The bites are pieces of the cookie dough commonly used in the famous pair’s ice cream, but sold individually in the frozen section. The editor in question is believed to have… Continue reading Queercoded Editor Overdoses on Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough Bites

Dweeb Moves to Ban Athletes From Competition
News Shorts · Sports

Dweeb Moves to Ban Athletes From Competition

Kate Canter

TALLAHASSEE, FL- Citing unfair biological advantages, Tallahassee dork, Mildred Van Snoot has petitioned the state legislature to ban coordinated students from competitive sports. “My daughter has missed out on important athletic scholarships, scholarships that would have changed her life, based solely on her inability to run in a straight line, throw a ball, or stand… Continue reading Dweeb Moves to Ban Athletes From Competition

Trans Woman: “Being Trans Is Least Interesting Thing About Me.” Scientists: “Not So Fast.”
News Shorts · Science

Trans Woman: “Being Trans Is Least Interesting Thing About Me.” Scientists: “Not So Fast.”

Ed.

BURLINGTON, VT–After saying something that she thought to be profound, a local woman has found herself refuted by science. Trans Woman, Ashley Smith, stated on social media that, “Being trans is the least interesting thing about me.” Two hours later, her statement was refuted by a scientist who had submitted her findings to the prestigious… Continue reading Trans Woman: “Being Trans Is Least Interesting Thing About Me.” Scientists: “Not So Fast.”

Sinus Infection Turns Badass Queer Activist into Sad Lil Baby
Lifestyle · News Shorts · Science

Sinus Infection Turns Badass Queer Activist into Sad Lil Baby

Alex Seligsohn

Sandie Brown is fierce. They are political. They are mean. They are sick with some sniffles. The non-binary, queer activist is always ready to take on any fight that presents itself against the LGBTQIA+ community. Nothing gets in the way of Sandie’s righteous anger and fury…except for a wicked case of post-nasal drip. “I just… Continue reading Sinus Infection Turns Badass Queer Activist into Sad Lil Baby