News Shorts · Politics

Queen Elizabeth Expands British Empire, Claiming Terflandia

Elephant Island.

LONDON–Expecting to die soon, Queen Elizabeth looked to solidify her legacy which has lasted since before World War II until she witnessed the rapid decline of the United States. The Queen announced her United Kingdom would annex the Isle of Terflandia. The newly deemed protectorate is the first new land since relinquishing Hong Kong in 1997.

Terflandia is located in the Southern Ocean and was formerly named Elephant Island.

The name came from Parliament who, sensing a change in the electorate, sought to name the new territory on behalf of an increasingly loud voter demographic, TERFs.

“We love that history,” said the Governor of the island, McKenzie Dreyer. “It really gets to the heart of it. We all know that the elephant is a matriarchical species, and we believe that such gender roles are inherent in who we are.”

The Queen issued a statement that said, “May the world remember, like the humble elephant, that this is still a Colonialist Empire, bitches!”

The claiming of the island, an uninhabitable spec of rock, is located near Antarctica, represents what many see as one of the Queen’s final official major acts. When the announcement was made, previous claimants issued stern letters but do not threaten official or military action.

“It’s kind of a shithole,” a Norwegian official stated. “There’s nothing there but seals and penguins; and not even the neat kinds!”

There is a couple things about the island that do bother the intrepid TERFs who seek to make it their home. It’s not that it is a frigid island without natural harbors or major vegetation. Nor are there building materials. “We can solve that. We’ll bring all the copies of the books we bought with the money given to us by American evangelicals.”

The problem is one of geology:”Oh and the elephant thing: the island looks like an elephant with a trunk. Adorable. But we may have to destroy that peninsula as it also resembles a penis. And the elephants too.”