LOS ANGELES–JoJo Siwa is an ICON. This will never NOT be true. She made waves by coming out as LGBTQ knowing her target audience is kids. She blazed trails with her designer, patterned button-downs. And she is the first and only Dancing with the Stars competitor and finalist to have a same-sex dance partner.
So when JoJo Siwa DIDN’T win the Mirror Ball Trophy, coming in second place to NBA star Iman Shumpert, lesbians across the globe experienced a simultaneous wave of devastation, the likes of which have not been seen since hearing Kristen Stewart is unavailable.
This isn’t merely a local phenomenon. Reports from around the country show local farmers markets nation-wide will be closed throughout the week, as a majority of their lesbian vendors will be on bereavement.
“I’m physically ill,” reports lesbian psychiatrist Bobbie Curtis. “I’ve already called all my clients and cancelled every appointment for the week. I just can’t be mentally present as a therapist when I’m currently in need of therapy.”
Curtis isn’t the only one calling it quits for the week after staring off with such a blow. “I have an interview for my dream job tomorrow,” said lesbian chef Judy Harris, who was unable to reschedule with the Michelin star restaurant. She continued, “Nothing matters anymore. There is no joy or justice in this world. And certainly no lobster thermidor.”
In addition to JoJo absolutely dominating the competition, Peloton instructor Cody Rigsby performed an INCREDIBLY Impressive and Gay freestyle to Todrick Hall, leading Queer Viewers to believe the night would end in SOME sort of victory for the community as a whole. Instead, Cody placed third and JoJo placed second, in a sandwich scenario described as “disappointing” and “not at all what I meant when I said Gay Victory Sandwich.”