LOS ANGELES–Following one of Bill Maher’s “New Rules” Segments, the entire Millennial Generation found themselves unable to argue against the comedian’s bulletproof logic and decided to descend into hedonism. Specifically, Maher’s observation that Greta Thunberg had fewer followers on social media than Kim Kardashian led a number of millennials determining that the environment was already lost and the best thing to do would be to finish it off.
James Ziggler, of Paducah, Kentucky, watched Maher and immediately the world came into focus. “He’s right. Obviously there’s no way that this planet is going survive. We may as well do what we want. So I started right then the next morning with a good old-fashioned tire fire.”
Ziggler, who previously considered himself able to both care about the environment and also keeping up with the Kardashians, is far from alone.
“His math is impeccable, after all he’s on HBO,” Tweeted Hannah Fiduli of Athens, Georgia. “If there’s a way that an angry young woman from Scandinavia hasn’t collected 30 million followers in the four, maybe five years she’s been noteworthy, then the whole generation is done for. I’m just going to eat my toast. Though without avocado. Who even eats that?”
Ziggler, for his part, now plans to expand his tire fire empire and will only take payments in Bitcoin. “Really, I can’t think of anything else. Because I can’t afford to buy property, maybe I should just dump the tire ashes into the ocean? Off the coast of Antarctica? After all, what’s the point when Kim Kardashian’s famous and an activist is less so? Thank you, Bill, for explaining it so clearly.”