Celebrities · Sexuality · Uncategorized

Poor People Need to Fuck Extra-Terrestrials As Well

VULCAN, CANADA- Pop singer Demi Lovato recently, among other things, released a new line of vibrating sex toys called the “Demi Wand”. The vibrators, which retail for $79, and are suitable not only humans but also creatures from other planets who have traveled to Earth looking for freaky inter-species sex. However, this price point is alienating (ha!) lower income humans having sex with extra-terrestrials, who are advocating for more equitable access to the sex toys that are often necessary.

“People take for granted how much goes into sex with aliens.” Says exo-sexual education expert Joyce Rollins. “Genitals don’t correspond with each other the way human genitals do, making sex inherintly more difficult and risky. So sex toys are practically a necessity. Vibes that can operate on the right frequencies especially are needed.”

Top Economist Raul Amaury notes that we shouldn’t assume having sex with aliens is just for rich people. “People of all socio-economic class have a lot to gain from sex with aliens. Especially if they share with us any of their superior technology, which will undoubtedly least to help starting small businesses. That’s not even talking about when they choose to enbue their life force on humans.”

“Now, I know sex with extra-terrestrials is a bit controversial lately,” adds sexologist Samantha Cedric. “Not the least of which is that most people still don’t believe in extra-terrestrials, or understand just how many humans are having sex with them. But Demi is showing us the way.”

“I mean, can we all agree $79 is a lot to get off?” Says TikToker NotAnAlien, who is totally not an alien. “Even if it does vibrate at just the right frequency to make Rigelians orgasm…. But yeah some of us have student loans! We need that release after long hard days of trying to hustle money by taking stupid dance videos to try to get sponsors on social media. Doesn’t Demi have enough money anyway? I’m not an alien.”