Tough on Crime Conservatives Furious at Kyle Rittenhouse’s Acqui- JK, lmao, Can You Imagine?

KENOSHA, WI- Across the country, conservatives who have built a platform of being tough on crime were shocked and infuriated at the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse on all cou- haha, just joking, of course they weren’t. What are they? People who actually care about the stuff they say they believe in?
“I’ve always said strict law enforcement is the best tool we have to deal with violence, especially in the inner city, and I’m not about to turn around and stop believing that just because it was a white Republican behind the gun this time,” said an unnamed Republican voter, just before continuing to not exist, because obviously he didn’t. You know this by now.
“The real test of your principles is following them when they don’t help you with your petty, partisan political squabbles, and I take that seriously,” he continued to not say, because he still didn’t exist and no conservative has ever said this, or ever will.
In the real world, the one we exist in and has always been like this, conservatives took to social media to celebrate the acquittal of the bad guy with a gun they’ve fantasized about fighting for years. “The jury decided he’s innocent, so he is, and that’s that,” said one, demonstrating a firm belief that what whatever a jury decides is correct that he’ll definitely continue to believe under- oh, what’s the use of pretending. You know how it all really goes. We all know the game now. We can just say it.
“Blah blah blah, some reason other than racism for doing the thing that aligns with racism for the nine-hundredth billion time,” said Whatever McWhateverson, Republican Senator from the district of What’s Even The Point Anymore, a solidly Republican district. “We’ll literally always be like this. Blahdy blahdy blahdy whatever.”