35 Best New Years Resolutions for Surviving the End of the World
It’s a new year, but the world is crumbling down around you. What do you do? Luckily we have everything figured out! Just follow all of these tips!
We Found Out What’s In This Enby’s Pants — It’s a Gun
WAUSAU, WI– The question on everyone’s lips is what is in the pants of local non-binary firebrand Praxis Jones. And the answer is, to what should not be much of a surprise, it’s a Colt 45. “Be the change in the world you want to see,” says Jones, who sports long, purple hair, a coat… Continue reading We Found Out What’s In This Enby’s Pants — It’s a Gun
I’m Sick of Tacky Holiday Engagements Unless You’re Gay, in Which Case OMG CONGRATS LOVE IT!
Seriously? A Christmas engagement? That’s so tacky! An engagement is supposed to be a special, unique moment for the couple. I don’t understand why you would pick such an unoriginal day to pop the question! There is zero sense behind this heteronormative need to propose on what’s already the most popular holiday in America. Could… Continue reading I’m Sick of Tacky Holiday Engagements Unless You’re Gay, in Which Case OMG CONGRATS LOVE IT!
Queers Estranged From Family Ecstatic to Have Zero Gift Returns
Yesterday was Boxing Day! No, not the day when you put on boxing gloves and whack other people in the face. But that would be fun and cute, right? No, no, it’s the day when you box up your unwanted, ugly gifts and make those returns! That’s why it’s called BOXing day, right? Because you… Continue reading Queers Estranged From Family Ecstatic to Have Zero Gift Returns
War on Christmas: It’s December 26th
WASHINGTON DC–Well, the liberal social elites and social justice warriors are up to their old tricks again. In their most shocking assault yet on the beloved and time-honored tradition of Christmas, it is now December 26. Thanks to this underhanded sleight, The Left has gotten everything they ever wanted. Nobody’s wishing each other “Merry Christmas”… Continue reading War on Christmas: It’s December 26th
Area Trans Woman Sees Matrix: Resurrections, Totally Decides To Not Relive 1999
ROCKFORD, IL–Downloading Winamp from the Internet, local woman Ashley Sampson (No Relation) had just finished watching Matrix: Resurrections. She said that had nothing to do with her decision to search through totes of clothes in hopes of finding something shiny. “Don’t be ridiculous. There’s no way I’m going back to 1999,” she said. She was… Continue reading Area Trans Woman Sees Matrix: Resurrections, Totally Decides To Not Relive 1999
BLOG: Omicron Won’t Stop Me From Celebrating Christmas as Usual Because I am a Jewish Hermit.
Sorry, Covid! You can’t stop me. You won’t stop me. Christmas is here, and tradition is tradition. Ive seen Fiddler on the Roof. I’m an American. A JEWISH-American. The government wants us to cancel our holiday plans? They want us to not participate in our yearly customs? Well, you can’t stop me from doing what… Continue reading BLOG: Omicron Won’t Stop Me From Celebrating Christmas as Usual Because I am a Jewish Hermit.
War on Christmas: Fourth Grader Says Santa Actually Your Parents
SEATTLE–The War on Christmas has started again, and this time, it’s in our schools. We’ve all known that the leftists would try to come for our children, but we had no idea how shameless they’d be. In the latest instance of their secular agenda, Flynn Johnson, a fourth grader at John Hay Elementary School, just… Continue reading War on Christmas: Fourth Grader Says Santa Actually Your Parents
Top 10 Best Christmas Gifts for Enbies
Lizards 2. Selfie stick 3. Weapons with which to rise up against the patriarchy 4. Button maker 5. Tea Kettle 6. Uranium 7. Bees 8. Space Lazer 9. Vests 10. Private Island in the Caribbean
“You’ll Love It!” Says Gay, Of Utterly Unwatchable Show
CHICAGO–“I think you’ll really love it,” local gay Leah King said today, of the least watchable television program you’ve experienced. “It’s one of my personal favorites,” she continued, mystifyingly. “And I think you would really enjoy it!” Political fact checkers were quick to correct that you would not enjoy it, and neither would any normal… Continue reading “You’ll Love It!” Says Gay, Of Utterly Unwatchable Show