Family · Holidays

Queers Estranged From Family Ecstatic to Have Zero Gift Returns

Wrapped gifts and ornaments
Stuff I Gotta Return Now

Yesterday was Boxing Day! No, not the day when you put on boxing gloves and whack other people in the face. But that would be fun and cute, right? No, no, it’s the day when you box up your unwanted, ugly gifts and make those returns! That’s why it’s called BOXing day, right? Because you put your gifted, tacky pajamas or wrong-sized shoes into their boxes and …give them back?

That’s why we call it that, RIGHT?

If there’s anything worse than receiving a stupid gift, it’s the now-necessary TASK of having to go to the store and return it…or exchange it for store credit to buy half of a new item because the gift was bought during a sale that is no longer occurring. These harrowing trips to the mall are now a thing of the past for local queer Helen Jasper, and they couldn’t be happier.

“Its exhausting just thinking about running an errand,” said Helen Jasper, who absolutely despises errands of all forms. Jasper has been no-contact with most of their family for two years now. When asked if this made holidays extra depressing for them, they replied, “Hell no. I haven’t talked to my family in two years. Which means I haven’t made a return in two years.” Jasper finds returns “a waste of precious life,” and also hates going to the bank, grocery store, and most doctors. “I just get to stay home and chill.”

Jasper isn’t alone in this relief. Local trans man Charles Lesser doesn’t speak to his family either. While this sounds sad to some, Lesser finds the space relieving. He reports “I haven’t received a gift card to Chico’s in years. Do you know how annoying that is? To have to not only go to Chico’s, but then have to find something to buy for myself inside of said Chico’s? It’s a pain in the ass. I don’t even think there’s a Chico’s in my city.”

Those with close, loving families may feel bad for people in situations like Helen’s or Charles’, and may worry that they don’t receive gifts during the holiday seasons. “Not true at all,” said Helen Jasper. “I have an amazing group of friends whom I consider my chosen family. They know exactly what to get me. Yesterday, my buddy Georgie gave me one of those grabber-claw things with a dinosaur head. It was awesome.”

At the time of reporting, Charles Lesser had participated in a White Elephant gift exchange and received a catch-all dish shaped like a baked potato, which he described as his “most prized possession.”