War on Christmas: Fourth Grader Says Santa Actually Your Parents

SEATTLE–The War on Christmas has started again, and this time, it’s in our schools.

We’ve all known that the leftists would try to come for our children, but we had no idea how shameless they’d be. In the latest instance of their secular agenda, Flynn Johnson, a fourth grader at John Hay Elementary School, just told the entire lunch room that Santa Claus is their parents.

“Santa couldn’t really visit every child in just one night,” the radical anti-Christian continued, in an unhinged tirade that lasted nearly four sentences. “It’s just a thing parents say so they can get you to be good.”“I was shocked,” said Ashley Martinez, a fellow student who was sitting at the table behind Johnson during the incident. “I mean, Devon poured half of her chocolate milk onto her noodles. I didn’t think she’d actually take a bite of it, but she totally did!”

Upon clarifying which incident we were asking about, Martinez added, “Oh, yeah, that was weird too.”

It’s unknown exactly what far left group radicalized Johnson, but likely suspects include his big sister, Britney, one of her high school friends, or the Frankfurt School of economics, whose critical stance towards social institutions encourage Santa denial. Upon hearing about the incident, his parents have attempted to deprogram the child soldier in the War on Christmas.

“Your parents are actually Santa’s helpers,” his father explained. “I talked to him yesterday, and he gave me the presents you saw in the closet.”

“But if Santa made them, how come they have price tags?” the child demanded, revealing the brainwashing had gone deeper than previously thought.

The federal government has so far remained silent about the hate incident, although the lunchroom supervisor told the table Flynn was sitting at to quiet down shortly afterwards.