Is there anything more exciting than welcoming a new baby into the family? Of course not! That’s why we, as a society, keep inventing new ways to celebrate a tiny person who doesn’t exist yet, for reasons that may or may not involve loads of free gifts for the parents-to-be. It’s not just baby birthdays anymore…it’s baby showers, gender reveals, and now…the sexuality reveal!
“The reveal was so exciting,” gushed Priscilla March, alongside her partner, who is 7 months pregnant. The couple just learned that they were expecting a precious baby twink. “When I pulled that string and a rainbow of of skinny, smooth confetti exploded into the yard….it was the proudest moment of my life! I was hoping for a baby twink!” March told QueerCoded, exclusively.
March’s partner, Peggy, was noticeably morose after the glitter bomb. “She won’t admit it, but she was really hoping for a Baby Astrology Dyke. I know she’ll get over the disappointment, though, and we will love our child just the same,” Priscilla March noted.
Sexuality Reveal parties will only increase in popularity, according to Dr. Horace Kandelia, the couple’s OBGYN who performed the baby’s ultrasound. The doctor then delivered the exciting news via sealed envelope to the party-planner, who stuffed the sparkly results into a confetti gun. “If we can welcome a baby by celebrating something as arbitrary as gender before we even meet the baby or know anything about it, why not do the same thing for sexual orientation? It makes PERFECT sense. I would know. I’m a doctor” said Kandelia.
Kandelia says the process is simple, and a baby’s sexuality can be determined by noting certain features during an ultrasound. The March’s baby was smooth and slender, indicating a twink.
Other clues to look for include: a large, woolly appearance would point to baby bears (not to be confused with cubs), a certain stoicism shows a Butch/Stud, twins would clearly show some bisexuals, and a breach position would indicate the presence of a power bottom.
Party supply stores are set to have a special section of Sexuality Reveal decorations between the Easter and Sports-themed items.