EVANSTON, IL- Local leftist high schooler Allisa Lawrence has lately been giving her unvaccinated family members earfuls about “trusting in science,” encouraging them to get over their “irrational” beliefs and just get the shot for fuck’s sake. She continuously posts links to numerous scientific studies on Facebook that she may or may not have read herself, under the mistaken impression that anyone else is reading them either. “Believe in scientists!” She screams, as she also refuses to eat anything genetically modified (by scientists).
Allisa recently signed several petitions to ban GMO’s in her state. She has yet to comment on why the science behind GMO’s is different than behind vaccines. (GMO stands for genetically modified organism, meaning a crop that scientists have modified, such as to be more pest resistant.) She also owns about 30 “healing” crystals, follows her horoscope religiously (she’s a cancer), and is currently studying to be a tarot reader. All scientifically backed, as she will say.
Her biology teacher in high school, Mark Stronger, recently weighed in on Allisa, claiming she is an average student in class, who has called in sick every time they have to dissect anything. She also once went into a long rant in class about how the auras of vaccinated people are different than those who are unvaccinated, more “bright” and “clear”.
Stronger then added that, “Well, broken clocks are right twice a day, and her heart is in the right place. I guess. I’m still waiting on her to turn in her final paper, which she stated was going to be on the effects of the phases of the moon on human behavior. I’m honestly kinda curious where she’s going with that. I mean, I’m sure it’s a train wreck. But maybe I might get a laugh out of it.”
Stronger finished by stating, “Anyway, get vaccinated; I don’t care why; I want to start going to sex parties again. Wait, please don’t print that; I’ll lose my job. For real, please don’t print that.”