SEATTLE–The War on Christmas has started again, and this time, it’s in our schools. We’ve all known that the leftists would try to come for our children, but we had no idea how shameless they’d be. In the latest instance of their secular agenda, Flynn Johnson, a fourth grader at John Hay Elementary School, just… Continue reading War on Christmas: Fourth Grader Says Santa Actually Your Parents
Lizards 2. Selfie stick 3. Weapons with which to rise up against the patriarchy 4. Button maker 5. Tea Kettle 6. Uranium 7. Bees 8. Space Lazer 9. Vests 10. Private Island in the Caribbean
CHICAGO–“I think you’ll really love it,” local gay Leah King said today, of the least watchable television program you’ve experienced. “It’s one of my personal favorites,” she continued, mystifyingly. “And I think you would really enjoy it!” Political fact checkers were quick to correct that you would not enjoy it, and neither would any normal… Continue reading “You’ll Love It!” Says Gay, Of Utterly Unwatchable Show
MINNEAPOLIS, MN– The holiday season is upon us, and it’s a time for families around the country to get together and celebrate, and drunkenly argue about politics and minor personal squabbles while trying to pretend they don’t all hate each other. However, just like last year, a little issue called “the pandemic” is keeping some… Continue reading Covid Is An Excuse for Queers to Avoid Their Families
Rita Cooper was just trying to drive home from work on a rainy day. As the local, conservative woman accelerated her pickup truck onto the freeway ramp, she couldn’t believe what she saw – a giant, gleaming rainbow right over the traffic-filled road. There it was, coming down loudly from the sky, right in the… Continue reading “Why is Sexual Orientation Brought into EVERYTHING,” Says Conservative After Rainstorm.
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND–In a heartwarming moment just in time for the holidays, J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series, abandoned her transphobic biases today after reading a tweet implying her very characters would be supportive of trans people. It’s the kind of moment of beautiful and sincere human connection that could only happen on Twitter.… Continue reading JK Rowling’s Heart Grows 3 Sizes on Reading Harry Potter Themed Trans Rights Tweet
ARLINGTON, VA–Well, it looks like the leftists have won this round of The War On Christmas, folks. Christmas was, at one point, an extremely popular holiday in the United States of America. But apparently, those days are over. In a shocking upset for the once well-known and widely celebrated event, I can only remember… Continue reading War On Christmas: I Only Remember The Names of Two Reindeer
Is there anything more exciting than welcoming a new baby into the family? Of course not! That’s why we, as a society, keep inventing new ways to celebrate a tiny person who doesn’t exist yet, for reasons that may or may not involve loads of free gifts for the parents-to-be. It’s not just baby… Continue reading It’s a Twink! Expectant Parents Throw Sexuality Reveal Party
We all know the story of Hanukkah, right? RIGHT?! Well, for all of you children and/or anti-semites who don’t, there was a small amount of oil that lasted long enough to keep burning for EIGHT DAYS! A MIRACLE! In a TOTALLY similar scenario, Amy Schneider, current Jeopardy Champ and first trans player to qualify for… Continue reading A Hanukkah Miracle: Transgender Awareness Week Lasting Well Beyond 8 Days Thanks to Amy Schneider!
VULCAN, CANADA- Pop singer Demi Lovato recently, among other things, released a new line of vibrating sex toys called the “Demi Wand”. The vibrators, which retail for $79, and are suitable not only humans but also creatures from other planets who have traveled to Earth looking for freaky inter-species sex. However, this price point is… Continue reading Poor People Need to Fuck Extra-Terrestrials As Well
