MINNEAPOLIS, MN– The holiday season is upon us, and it’s a time for families around the country to get together and celebrate, and drunkenly argue about politics and minor personal squabbles while trying to pretend they don’t all hate each other. However, just like last year, a little issue called “the pandemic” is keeping some black sheep of the family away.
“I mean, how hard is it to get 5 days off of work and fly half way across the country so that I can berate you for not having a wife, kids, and a house with a white picket fence by age 25 like my generation did?” Said local grumpy grandma Mabel Culver. “These youngsters are so disrespectful for not coming home to see me. Something about ‘not wanting to infect me?’ I tried telling them, if God wants me dead, I’ll die, but until then I need to tell them all the things they’re doing wrong with their lives!”
“I don’t want to kill Gram Grams,” says local call center worker Cayden Whitefield. “She doesn’t know I’m trans and am on testosterone, and I think the shock might give her a heart attack. So I told her I don’t want to pass along Covid to her. In an email to her AOL account because I don’t think she would recognize me on the phone. I’m working up to it, I swear. I said I would tell her before I started growing facial hair but two hairs came in yesterday that I am freaking out over. Seriously, come look at them.”
“Covid is not so scary,” says local wine aunt and scented candle maker Joyce Patricks. “These kids today think they have problems with their pandemics and their rent being most of their wages. They don’t know real pain, like…. Well… You know that one thing… When that one guy… Um… Sweetie you know what I was talking about, right? Hold on I think my xannie just kicked in, but I’ll remember what I was going to say.”
In the meantime, hospitals are filling up with loads of the unvaccinated, while gas prices continue to be high. So many still plan to get together over Zoom then pretend their Wi-Fi went out so they don’t actually have to stay talking over Zoom for a while as no one actually enjoys that.