COOPER HILLS, CA–Citizens of Cooper Hills California can rest easy tonight as sources confirm their resident bisexual remains sufficiently queer by dating a trans man.
The controversy began when local bisexual, Kirsten Cho, was seen holding hands with what appeared to be a white het cis male Thursday afternoon. When questioned, Cho identified the man as Jack Rivers, her boyfriend. The community was understandably shaken.
“Betrayal is the first word that comes to mind,” said Sandra Johnson, 27. “When Kirsten came out in high school, I thought Cooper Hills was coming into the twenty-first century. She’s cute, she’s queer, she’s gonna bring in some lesbians and we’ll finally have a decent hardware store.”
“Then what? She’s single for four years and she starts dating a dude?! Like what’s the point of being bisexual if you’re just gonna date a dude?”
Many shared Johnson’s concerns. A massive letter-writing campaign ensued, demanding that Cho find a more suitably diverse partner. “We weren’t unreasonable,” explains Adam Oliver, founder of Make Cho Queer Again (MCQA). “Obviously we’d prefer a lesbian of color, but we’d have taken another bisexual woman of color or at least a white lesbian. Not fat. Love is love after all. Especially when it’s hot.”
An uneasy peace arrived late Saturday morning when an anonymous source revealed that Rivers was assigned female at birth. The invasion of privacy has relieved much of the community, including Sandra Johnson: “This is the best possible outcome. Men are the worst, but I don’t know. Trans men are just inherently more open and nurturing. Jack made the choice to be brave so now it’s even more woke than a regular couple. We’ll probably get a TV show out of this.”
Not everyone was satisfied, especially the remaining members of MCQA. According to Adam Oliver, the couple is “a waste. We could have had two skinny lesbians and three ways every night, but one of ‘em had to be a dude. Plus, neither of them will respond to my DMs.”
Mr. Rivers and Mrs. Oliver could not be reached. Ms. Cho threw an apple at our reporter’s head.