Lifestyle · Pop Culture

“You Don’t Have To Make Everything Gay,” Says Het, Cis Man

SAN ANTONIO, TX–In yet another example of the internet spreading misinformation, cisgender and heterosexual Twitter user “@Coolgamer6327” claimed Monday that gay people “don’t have to make everything gay”, demonstrating his blissful unawareness of the Curse. LGBT community leaders responded to the tweet by staring wistfully into the distance, mournfully recalling the days when they too knew nothing of the dark sorceries that bound them to the Great Work.

“I’m not homophobic or anything,” clarified @Coolgamer6327, a paralegal in San Antonio. “But do they have to bring up how gay they are all the time?”

Upon being informed that yes, in fact, those are the terms laid out by the Sorcerer Necrostasius, he continued, “Oh. I didn’t know that. Well, they can just talk about stuff that’s already gay, can’t they? They don’t have to make stuff gay when I didn’t think of it that way already, right?”

After a brief but portentous pause, @Coolgamer6327 added, “Right?”.

Asked for comment, LGBT elder Myra Leighwood said “Oh, if it could only be so simple. Dark deeds were done in those days. Bargains that should never have been made were signed. As always, it is the children who must pay for the crimes of the ancestors. Don’t ask me to tell you more.”

As we were leaving, Leighwood stopped us, asking “By the way, I wrote a fic where Captain America is trans and only Bucky and Red Skull know. Wanna check it out?”

Influential LGBT activist Taylor Perez made it clear in their statement that despite the pensive pause, the work will continue.

“Obviously we’d prefer everything be cishet, just like you. Unfortunately, there was never a choice. It must be gay. It must all be gay.”