Category: News Shorts

List: Let’s Just Say We’ll Be Impressed If You Conquer These Planets In The Name Of Our Space Emperor
Nature · Photos · Science

List: Let’s Just Say We’ll Be Impressed If You Conquer These Planets In The Name Of Our Space Emperor

Ed.

Let’s get it out of the way, you’re awful. But there’s still something we need from you: A collection of worlds from which to extend our leader’s empire in this Galaxy. Sancho Mu Arae e is also known as HD160691e, this planet is named after the character in the totally hot Don Quixote. Not to… Continue reading List: Let’s Just Say We’ll Be Impressed If You Conquer These Planets In The Name Of Our Space Emperor

Millennials Turn Against Environment At Bill Maher’s Urging
Celebrities · Politics · Pop Culture

Millennials Turn Against Environment At Bill Maher’s Urging

Ed.

LOS ANGELES–Following one of Bill Maher’s “New Rules” Segments, the entire Millennial Generation found themselves unable to argue against the comedian’s bulletproof logic and decided to descend into hedonism. Specifically, Maher’s observation that Greta Thunberg had fewer followers on social media than Kim Kardashian led a number of millennials determining that the environment was already… Continue reading Millennials Turn Against Environment At Bill Maher’s Urging

BREAKING: Country Music Super Gay Now
Fashion · Music · Pop Culture

BREAKING: Country Music Super Gay Now

Alex Seligsohn

If there is one thing gay people definitely aren’t watching, it’s the CMA awards. This year, that’s unfortunate, because at the Country Music Awards featured a VERY IMPORTANT GAY KISS last week. And that kiss changed EVERYTHING, we guess!  Here’s what went down at Wednesday’s ceremony: T.J. Osborne, of the Brothers Osborne, a band we… Continue reading BREAKING: Country Music Super Gay Now

Senator Josh Hawley Encourages Traditional Male Activities Like Poetry, Alchemy, Sodomy
News Shorts · Politics

Senator Josh Hawley Encourages Traditional Male Activities Like Poetry, Alchemy, Sodomy

Ed.

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Citing video games, pornography, and idleness as portents of danger in American Life, Senator Josh Hawley placed the blame squarely on people who criticize masculinity. The senator said, “[A]fter years of being told they are the problem, that their manhood is the problem, more and more men are withdrawing into the enclave of idleness… Continue reading Senator Josh Hawley Encourages Traditional Male Activities Like Poetry, Alchemy, Sodomy

Queen Elizabeth Expands British Empire, Claiming Terflandia
News Shorts · Politics

Queen Elizabeth Expands British Empire, Claiming Terflandia

Ed.

LONDON–Expecting to die soon, Queen Elizabeth looked to solidify her legacy which has lasted since before World War II until she witnessed the rapid decline of the United States. The Queen announced her United Kingdom would annex the Isle of Terflandia. The newly deemed protectorate is the first new land since relinquishing Hong Kong in… Continue reading Queen Elizabeth Expands British Empire, Claiming Terflandia

A shiba puppy in a shirt LOCAL MAN STILL NOT RICH AFTER BUYING SHIBA INU
Business · By The Numbers · News Shorts

LOCAL MAN STILL NOT RICH AFTER BUYING SHIBA INU

Alex Seligsohn

Portland, MN – “Buy Doge!” “Get Shiba!” You hear these words everywhere lately! In the finance community, Shiba (as in the popular Japanese dog breed) is the talk of the town online, as experts everywhere encourage investors BUY SHIBA!  So that is why local, unemployed man Alan Simon acted fast and bought a shiba inu… Continue reading LOCAL MAN STILL NOT RICH AFTER BUYING SHIBA INU

Bachelorette and Pro Comic Katie Thurston Bachelorette Star Does Stand-Up Once, Ends Engagement
Celebrities · Comedy · Pop Culture

Bachelorette Star Does Stand-Up Once, Ends Engagement

Alex Seligsohn

SAN DIEGO – Last week, rumors were swirling that former Bachelorette Katie Thurston was making her stand-up comedy debut. Despite never once making a joke all season, Katie was often called “hilarious” by the eligible men competing in hopes of winning…her. In an article reported by Tvshowcase.com, we found video clips of Katie talking about… Continue reading Bachelorette Star Does Stand-Up Once, Ends Engagement

TERFs Object to Women Being Categorized As People
News Shorts · Politics

TERFs Object to Women Being Categorized As People

Kate Canter

LONDON–Despite widespread attacks on reproductive justice, a raging global pandemic, and a rising ocean, Gender Critical women across the world remain committed to fighting the real atrocity of our times. They will not allow their pregnant cisters to be referred to as people. After the US Supreme Court voted to uphold a draconian Texas law… Continue reading TERFs Object to Women Being Categorized As People

Queer Icons Dancing JoJo Siwa Fans Heartbroken After Breakup with What’s-Her-Face
Celebrities · Music · Pop Culture

JoJo Siwa Fans Heartbroken After Breakup with What’s-Her-Face

Alex Seligsohn

HOLLYWOOD, CA – “Love is dead.” That’s what JoJo Siwa fans, aka Varsity Members of the J-Team, are Tweeting nationwide after learning that our beloved queer icon JoJo and her girlfriend, That One Chick, have broken up. We are in mourning. We are not well.  The news is not hitting the LGBTQ community well, as… Continue reading JoJo Siwa Fans Heartbroken After Breakup with What’s-Her-Face

Celebrities · Pop Culture

Queer Couple Watches “Succession,” Appropriating Straight Culture

Alex Seligsohn

  BANGOR, MN – After over a year of patiently waiting, fans of Succession, the hit HBO drama about awful, rich White people, gleefully watched the series’ third season premier Sunday night. Among those millions of eager viewers: lesbian couple and huge fans of the show, Connie Villanueva and Rom Sheldon.   “We are obsessed,” Villanueva… Continue reading Queer Couple Watches “Succession,” Appropriating Straight Culture