Health · Pandemic · Science

Mask-Free Operating Rooms Coming Soon?

CINCINNATI, OH- Citing several popular YouTube channels, a group of surgeons known as Committee of MedICal Surgeons Against Nose Suffocation have come out against wearing face masks while performing the most difficult of procedures.

“Surgeons have been safely performing surgeries for years while wearing masks, but with all these self-appointed experts who can’t handle wearing masks, maybe it’s time to revaluate?” Says Dr. Kay Plum, a resident at some hospital no one has ever heard of.

“I mean, I’ve never performed surgery without a face mask, but what’s the worst that could happen?” Dr. Plum added, who then questioned the need to wear shoes in a hospital. She subsequently proceded to expound on the benefits of healing crystals, all while refusing to state where she got her medical degree from.

“I just feel I could really do my best work, you know, totally free,” says Dr. Marc Dandridge. “Masks are too constricting. It’s the same reason I stopped wearing underwear all the time. I really do my best work that way. Just imagine would I could do butt naked without gloves?”

“If God wanted us to restrict our breathing, he would have created us that way!” Says Dr. Julius Green, who wears glasses, has had a kidney transplant, and routinely performs breast enhancements.

Dr. Green, known for doing the best face lifts in all of Toledo, is throwing his years of experience behind the movement. “I want to feel like I’m truly doing some good for the movement, you know, give back to the community,” he stated. He then downed three shots of Vodka and headed back to start his next surgical rotation, gun loaded on his hip.

Dr. Ryan Jax, who is no longer legally allowed to perform surgery, thinks the movement needs to go even further. “There’s so many rules, you can’t drink this, you can’t consume that. Well why not? I do my best driving while high on acid, who says I won’t be a better surgeon on acid as well? Can you imagine, like, performing brain surgery and shit while all messed up? Maybe while the patient is also on acid? That’s the ultimate trip, man.”

Volunteers are being sought after for preliminary medical trials on such “freedom” surgeries, but so far there are few takers.