NEWPORT, RI– Local trans guy and barista Max Governor has discovered the secret to eternal youth – shaving. Customers at his coffee shop are astonished, and jealous, of the change.
“It’s amazing; I wish I could take years off like that myself,” says local Book Group attendee Sue Armstrong. “I keep buying these overpriced creams and junk and they never work the way they’re supposed to, yet Max’s baby cheeks mean he’s going to get carded well into his 40’s.”
“I was getting sir’d at age 19 due to premature balding, and this lucky son of a bitch just has to shave to look like a teen? It’s not fair,” says spring screen writer Samuel Argento.
“Everyone loves it, and thinks I look so great, but it’s really not as awesome as everyone says it is, going from looking 32 to 17 over night.” Says Max. “Misgendering has gone up 52%! And people pinching my cheeks has skyrocketed 175%! We’ve had to put up a sign that says, ‘Please don’t touch Baristas.'”
“But I had to do it,” continues Max. “That mustache was so long it was making it hard to eat; it just kept getting in my mouth. And the beard was catching crumbs. It was awful.”
Max so far this week has been carded buying lottery tickets, and was called out by local truant officers for not being in school. Max is debating if shaving his head as well will help, but so far can’t bring himself to do it. He’s also tried drawing on a mustache with eye liner, but early attempts make him look even more like a boy in early puberty.