BLACKSBURG, VA – You hear cries of unfairness all the time! “Trans people are ruining sports!” Or rather, trans women. For SOME REASON, nobody seems to care about trans men in men’s sports, but that’s an issue for a different day! The goal of any sport is to be the best…unless you’re trans, in which… Continue reading “Trans People Are So Sensitive” Says Athlete Who Cried After Losing Literal Game.
EVANSTON, IL- Local leftist high schooler Allisa Lawrence has lately been giving her unvaccinated family members earfuls about “trusting in science,” encouraging them to get over their “irrational” beliefs and just get the shot for fuck’s sake. She continuously posts links to numerous scientific studies on Facebook that she may or may not have read… Continue reading “Trust in Science,” says Leftist who knows little about Science
CAMBRIDGE, MA–Neurologists at the Harvard Neurological Overlap Lab have made a startling discovery that threatens to upend decades of research into how the mind works. Using state-of-the-art radioisotope imaging combined with the latest in electron ptychographic reconstruction, scientists discovered that human orgasms brainwaves are entirely composed of the J.G. Wentworth Jingle. The lead scientist, Dr.… Continue reading BREAKING: Scientists Decode Orgasm Brain Waves Are Mostly The J.G. Wentworth Jingle
TOLEDO, OH–Upon completion of years of dedicated research into the LGBTQ community in and around Toledo, Ohio, a local scientist announced their findings to a shocked group of their colleagues. Doctor Sam Gurak summed up their 100 page scientific report in two words,”Aiden sucks.” The findings were devastating and a complete surprise to the subject… Continue reading Report: Aiden Sucks
DENVER, CO- A recent study by the University of Colorado reveals that common wisdom about the comparative cleanliness of women’s restrooms may be flawed. In terms of dirtiness, women’s bathrooms rated a 4.6 grunge factor, within the statistical margin of error from men’s bathrooms of 4.8. “I definitely was expecting more perfumed towels and less… Continue reading Study: Women’s Bathrooms No Cleaner Than Men’s Rooms
NEW YORK CITY- Writing in a recent report, Dr. Rhonda Raine revealed reductions of reproductive organs among children. She concluded pollution pressured and pushed precipitous proportion changes in penises and reproductive probabilities. At a press conference on Tuesday, Dr Raine said, “The data is clear. Corrupt companies, chasing capital, create copious chemical concoctions that consequently… Continue reading Report: Pollution Pressure Penis Proportions, Purportedly
CARDIFF, WALES–This past Saturday, a group of scientists reported that certain varieties of Vodka were capable of inducing bigotry against the LGBTQ+ community, at least temporarily. This phenomenon was noted when an Irish woman flying from the Canary Islands forced a plane to land prematurely due to “abusive” and “homophobic” behavior. After being escorted off… Continue reading REPORT: Vodka May Make People Temporarily Homophobic