News Shorts

Report: Pollution Pressure Penis Proportions, Purportedly

NEW YORK CITY- Writing in a recent report, Dr. Rhonda Raine revealed reductions of reproductive organs among children. She concluded pollution pressured and pushed precipitous proportion changes in penises and reproductive probabilities. At a press conference on Tuesday, Dr Raine said, “The data is clear. Corrupt companies, chasing capital, create copious chemical concoctions that consequently damage our future. We saw this damage in birds and amphibians, and it should not surprise us that it will hurt us.”

Some other scientists have proposed that plastics might be involved, but National Plastics Concern spokesman Benjamin Braddock disagreed. “This is preposterous. Plastics come from the earth. They are made with petroleum, which is really an organic material. In some ways, plastics are one of the most natural substances known to mankind.

But Raine disagreed. “The proliferation of plastic polluting playgrounds and parking lots puts pressures on the pituitary systems of unborn fetuses.” She then referred to a book named “Countdown” by says Dr. Shanna Swan and Stacey Colino. “Again, it’s clear, sperm counts still spiraling into severely subdued levels compared with counts common in historical data.”

“I would hope that the promise of their grandchildren having shrunken, deformed penises would inspire the politicians in a position to do something about the effects of pollution,” added Dr. Raine. “However, when has science mattered to them anyway? Looks like most men would be infertile by 2045, which is probably what we deserve as a society anyway.”

In response, Mr. Braddock then asked, “So, that means I wouldn’t have to use a condom, then, right?”