Lifestyle · Science

Report: Aiden Sucks

Aiden: Just look at this utter asshole.

TOLEDO, OH–Upon completion of years of dedicated research into the LGBTQ community in and around Toledo, Ohio, a local scientist announced their findings to a shocked group of their colleagues. Doctor Sam Gurak summed up their 100 page scientific report in two words,”Aiden sucks.”

The findings were devastating and a complete surprise to the subject of the research, Aiden Garner, 34, also of Toledo. Garner said, “I look forward to reading the whole report. This is obviously not the outcome I would have hoped for, but there it is. I just hope now I can gather some insight on how to move forward and improve now.”

Gurak’s paper details the various ways that Aiden does, indeed, suck. These include, but are not limited to, failing to repay debts, cracking the spine of borrowed books, claiming ideas as his own, being a loud and inconsiderate roommate, and failing to move to the right hand lane after passing.

“These things are hard to hear,” Aiden said. “There’s really no excuse. Except for that borrowed book one; I like to lay in bed on my stomach while reading!”

The doctor nodded but, when Aiden turned away, they smirked and pointed at Aiden. “Also, he just always blames his ping when he loses in a video game.”

“It is! My Internet sucks at home!”

“No. Our speed tests prove conclusively that is not the case.”

Aiden did not have an answer to that accusation.

Dr. Gurak’s discoveries go far beyond these minor annoyances and into outright theft, “We have on record that once, Aiden went to pick up some food for a group and ate some of the fries on the drive home. We interviewed at least three fry cooks at the local establishment to come up with a number, and we analyzed solid waste from those who he stole from. The link is pretty conclusive.” The doctor continued, “The bond between food getter and food buyer is a sacred one. If you can’t trust a man who fly’d, why would you buy’d?”