REPORT: Vodka May Make People Temporarily Homophobic

CARDIFF, WALES–This past Saturday, a group of scientists reported that certain varieties of Vodka were capable of inducing bigotry against the LGBTQ+ community, at least temporarily. This phenomenon was noted when an Irish woman flying from the Canary Islands forced a plane to land prematurely due to “abusive” and “homophobic” behavior. After being escorted off the plane, an empty bottle of vodka was found with her carry on luggage. She stated that the vodka was to blame.

This compelled the experts at Cardiff’s School of Technology to study the effects of vodka on prejudices.

“We’re not sure what about Vodka’s chemical composition would do this,” said Dr. Victor Ashbury, at the Cardiff School of Technology. “Vodka and other spirits are well established to reduce inhibitions, but we haven’t found research into CREATING prejudices that weren’t there. This is an exciting new field of research.”

Early studies were inconclusive, however one participant, who requested to remain anonymous, was unhappy with the findings in her specific case.

“I think it’s ridiculous to say I’m homophobic when I’m not drinking. I have gay friends. Just ask Stephen, he’s the nice gentlemen who does my hair. I think he’s gay. We don’t really talk,” the woman said. She continued, “It’s all the Vodka maker’s fault. They should have warnings on the bottle. People’s reputations are being what damaged by having this dangerous stuff on the market.”

At press time, at least 10 producers of vodka did not respond to requests for comment.

Dr. Ashbury, meanwhile, was planning additional studies. “Brain imaging scans could reveal differences between sober and intoxicated individuals. I’m sure with some effort, we could get to the bottom of this.”

When asked about the possibility of wider applications of his research, Ashbury said, “There’s the possibility that it might affect racism, sexism, and other discrimination. Until we determine what is the root cause of these issues, half-hearted apologies will have to do. It’s not like I’m going to stop drinking.”