WASHINGTON DC–Following the news of a buildup of Russian troops on the Ukrainian border, in the United States, thousands of people have begun to claim to be transgender in the hopes of avoiding being drafted into the armed services. These people are being diagnosed with what some professionals are calling Conscription Onset Gender Disorder, or COGD. COGD is a phenomenon where the fear of military service for another pointless war overseas that will result in countless deaths and and a cost of trillions of dollars causes cisgender people to claim to be transgender in the hopes this would disqualify them for military service.
“I have honestly been watching Sailor Moon since, like, 2000. Please don’t send me to war,” said Carl McKenzie, of Scranton, PA. McKenzie, 27, has never ever even considered himself anything other than a man and, indeed, has often claimed the title of “most manly man” in his company’s annual beard growing competition. “I am totally uncomfortable in my body,” he said, trying to remember what he heard in The Danish Girl, which he watched for research.
Transgender person Anyd–who only uses one name–says that they were expecting a larger than average transgender support group attendance, and that they have seen such things in the past. “That first gulf war was kind of a joke, but the second one, ooh boy. That was one people when started to come in–that group was fuller than a fresh pot of fondue–and just as cheesy.”
They said that the phenomenon ended shortly after the military announced the end of their ban on transgender members, and then came back under the Trump administration.
“The others, they’re faking I can tell,” said McKenzie who was, actually, totally faking.
As for Anyd, they preferred to look on the bright side. “Maybe we crack an egg. That’s cool. We all learned we were trans in different ways. But I don’t think their COGD plans will work.”
McKenzie heard the last comment and asked why.
“The Biden administration removed all barriers for transgender military service as of January 26th, 2021.”
McKenzie took a second, yelled, “Fuck,” tore off a dress, and left the room.
“See,” said Anyd. “Cises can’t handle.”