PAWTUCKET, RHODE ISLAND–It appears that the mighty Hasbro Corporation has done what a civil war, decades of racial tension, and partisanship has not: brought about the end of the United States.
Mark Dice, a man nobody has really heard of, is particularly angered. “This whole gender thing is getting out of control,” Mark said, absolutely sure he knew what he was talking about from a lesson 30 years ago. “If you have a penis, you are a boy potato. If you have a vagina, you are a girl potato. It’s, like, are we even looking at the same carbohydrate here?”
A local mother, Kathrine Bigham, was also worried. “What am I supposed to tell my kid? How am I supposed to explain which noses or mouths are for boys and which are for girls? How do I explain that? Seriously? This is a genuine question I actually don’t know.”
Psychologist Dr Robert Danford was unsure of the concern. “It is unclear how many Americans suffer from visions of genitalia in their root vegetables,” he said. “What is clear is that the United States is now in disarray, where California and Utah, even, appear to agree with the scientific consensus.”
Some states have yet to declare their allegiances. These “swing states” contain legislators that don’t even believe in purple, with one Republican legislator referring to the shade as “A Democrat hoax. There are only two colors. Red and blue. That’s the point.”
And Democrats fear having purple states that will ultimately hold on to right-wing values and try to assign gender to food, which would cause a cultural clash and awkward grocery-store experiences, because many men are unable to resist intercourse with vegetables.
One state, however, is noticeably absent from the debate. Idaho, with their famous potatoes, may seem like a surely conservative state, however the Idaho Potato Inspectors Guild, or IPIG, an industry group that supports a wide variety of politicians, issued a statement that seemed to make everyone upset, from the Republicans to Democrats to Hasbro executives that never bothered to ask trans people if this was even a thing that they worried about. “We here at IPIG want everyone to know that these are potatoes, everyone. Just. Just. What the fuck is wrong with you? How the hell did this cause this dissolution of the United States?!”