News Shorts

Coming Out with a Bang

MONTANA–Revealing more than he intended, a deeply closeted gay man said, “I just thought I was being funny,” he said, unaware that conservatives are incapable of humor. The man is referring to his new t-shirt, which has printed on it, “I lubricate my AR-15 with Liberal Cum.” “I never stopped to think about how I was getting the cum,” he continued.

The prospective Log Cabin Republican member denied being a self-hating gay, showing he was ready for membership.

“I suppose the obsession with big guns was really just compensating for feeling inadequate, you know, down there. I never realized it was because I’d never been attracted to my wife.”

He said that now that he knew he had a tough choice to make:

  • Continue pretending with a life that is a complete lie
  • Enroll in conversion therapy
  • Adopt as many gay stereotypes as he can, since he has no idea what other gay people are actually like.

“Living a lie seems stressful,” he said. “And conversion therapy seems like something other people get *for* you, you know?”

Before the interview ended he insisted on showing me the crop top t-shirts and bootie shorts he had ordered and asked me what I thought of the name “Butchie” for the tiny dog he was adopting.

We reached out to Colt, the weapon’s manufacturer, and asked if liberal cum would be an effective lubricant. They stated that cum, whether liberal or conservative, is too sticky to be much effective and recommended several over the counter products instead.