Lifestyle · Politics

Nebraska Does Something Terrible To Trans People, Again

Something From Nebraska, We Presume

In a groundbreaking move to cure all societal ills, Nebraska’s Governor Pillen has signed a law that will ban all treatments for gender dysphoria in the Midwest. The legislation, dubbed the “Just Pick a Side Already Act,” is the brainchild of the governor’s personal council of wizards, who assured him that this was the fastest way to earn a one-way ticket to Hogwarts.

“This is it, folks. We’ve done it,” said Governor Pillen, proudly holding up the freshly-signed bill. “We have finally solved the gender dysphoria crisis by making it illegal to treat. Problem solved, no more confusion, just pick a side and stay there. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a potions class to attend.”

A spokesman explained that Pillen had recently read the Harry Potter series after discovering the author of that series also hated transgender people.

The new law has been met with resounding applause from politicians who are delighted to learn that banning treatment for a condition will magically make the issue disappear. “Why didn’t we think of this sooner?” asked a bewildered State Representative, who had just cast his vote in favor of the bill. “I mean, we banned drugs, and now there’s no more drug problem. We banned crime, and now there’s no more crime. This is just brilliant!”

Under the provisions of the “Just Pick a Side Already Act,” any medical professional caught attempting to provide gender-affirming care to patients will be subjected to a rigorous re-education course in “Choosing Sides 101.” Patients seeking treatment for gender dysphoria will be given a handy pamphlet, detailing how God made them pick a side and the patient should never look back.

In response to criticism that the new law may violate the rights of transgender individuals, Governor Pillen explained that the bill was never about denying anyone their rights. “It’s about making the Midwest a more efficient place,” he said. “Do you know how much time we’ll save now? We’ll be the most productive region in the country! Into the sorting hat, everyone!”

Taylor Jones, a transgender Nebraskan, responded incredulously to the new legislation, saying, “Governor Pillen must actually think he’s living in a fantasy world, because only in that world would banning treatment help. I’ll file this under ‘America.'”

The governor’s team of wizards, who are now working on a proposal to ban tornadoes and hurricanes, have also hinted that their next project may involve solving world hunger by making starvation illegal.

“Once again, Nebraska leads the way in innovative solutions to complex problems,” boasted Governor Pillen, as he donned his wizard hat and cape. “I look forward to the day when our great state can hold its head high and proclaim, ‘We have outlawed all the bad things, and now everything is good!'”