ALLIGATOR CANYON, FL— Florida Dictator Governor Rhonda Santis has signed a new law stating that everyone must use the bathroom that corresponds with whatever bullshit the delivery doctors spouted, regardless of gender identity, what official documents state, appearance, or biological realities of the people in question. The law applies to restrooms in government-run areas, such as universities, prisons, and schools, and criminal charges can result if someone called out under the law refuses to leave the bathroom.
Trans people already stuck in Florida, or those considering traveling there (stay away!!), are thus understandably worried about their ability to pee free of being harassed or possibly arrested. Many trans people, especially the ones who have been transitioning a long time, have no safe alternatives as complying with the law leads to other complications, such as having to out themselves every time they need to tinkle. Many LGBT organizations, such as the HRC, are understandably telling people, “Stay the FUCK out of Florida,” but this is not practical for everyone.
As such, we are compiling a list of what locations trans and gender-non-conforming individuals can avail themselves of, until some judge somewhere with half a braincell (hopefully) knocks down this pathetic excuse of conservative virtue-signaling.
- The Chili’s in Tampa
This bathroom, like others in private businesses in Florida, is not subject to the recent law. Plus, I have it in good authority that everyone, including employees at this location, are too intoxicated to give a shit what gender anyone is or isn’t.
- The Bathrooms of “Hernia”, the Hottest Nightclub in Miami
Being a private business, you won’t get arrested just for following the needs of nature. But let’s be clear: you MIGHT get stabbed here, and the coke being sold here DEFINITELY has fentanyl. So just keep your wits about you, and don’t talk to the guy in all black at the urinal; he’s a DEA agent.
- The Governor’s Mansion
Did you know there are gasp gender-neutral bathrooms in the governor’s residence?
Plus, it’s not like he’s ever there, with all this traveling around and pretending he might be President BS going on right now. Did you know he recently went to Japan? Because he wanted to cosplay like he’s in charge of some place that matters.
- The Fort Lauderdale Airport
Airports around the country must follow Federal law, which for now is still in the favor of trans people. Not that we know any other reasons anyone would ever go to Fort Lauderdale. You might need to bring your own toilet paper.
- Toothless Joe’s Gator Emporium off I-75
Joe does not care which bathroom you use. He only has 1 arm and 3/4ths of a leg; he has real, bigger problems to worry about. And as he’s the only employee, even if anyone else objected, it wouldn’t matter.
- The Japan Pavilion at Epcot
Did you know they have those talking toilets from Japan? Well, maybe. We’re not sure. We didn’t exactly “research” this article very thoroughly.
- The Ocean
Do what the fishes do. The only good thing about Florida is no matter wherever you go, you’re never far from the sea. Plus, you have the option of swimming away from Florida and not going back.
- Any of the hundreds of graves of confederate soldiers in Florida
Hey, they’re dead; they’ll never know.
- The Swamp
This one has the added benefit that you might pee on an alligator, that’s kind of cool!
- Trump’s bed, Mar-A-Lago
Getting in here might be difficult, but if you can, might as well make the most of it. Bonus points if you use a classified document as toilet paper.
- The side of Hogwarts Castle, Universal Studios Orlando
Do it. It will feel so good. Fuck JKR.