Missouri Moves to Ban Puberty for Individuals Under 25

A Baby, Probably Evil for Some Reason

JEFFERSON CITY, MO–A long and contentious debate in the Missouri House of ended with a partisan vote to adopt a measure that appears to ban puberty for all individuals under the age of 25.

House Member Jason Bean, who has nothing suspicious in his Google search history, introduced the bill to widespread condemnation. However, an error appears in the bill which forbids “puberty or gender affirming treatment to anyone under the age of 25.”

Neurologist Dr. Francine Whit says that the myth that brains are not fully matured until 25 is common, but has little basis in fact. “In reality, people’s brains mature at vastly different rates. What is not up for debate is that often transgender people report knowing themselves early in life. Puberty blockers merely give the children more time to consider the consequences of their actions.”

Mr. Bean says there are no inaccuracies in the bill, “I know what I wrote,” he said in a press conference, studiously ignoring an aide pulling on his sleeve. “Children cannot be expected to understand the pubescent decision they face. Maybe if they took some time to learn. Go to school. Choose a career. Join the Army. Get married.”