KENOSHA, WI– Cyber Monday approaches, and we all know money is tight this year. Inflation is all everyone is talking about, even more important than this country’s slow, inevitable slide into fascism. So soothe your troubled soul with these purchases guaranteed to increase the quality of your life more than anything like those pesky reproductive rights that are rapidly disappearing.
These pointy shoes are not only stylish, they’re practical for when you need to step on the faces of those trying to end your existence. We’re not one for usually recommending luxury brands, but red-bottom heels have the added advantage of hiding any blood stains.
7. Your boss’s social security number
Can’t buy it, you say? No, it’s out there, along with everyone else’s, and it’s got endless practical uses. For legal reasons, we’re not going to enumerate them, but use your imagination.
6. All your friends’ Only Fans specials
It’s only polite and right to support the entrepreneurial efforts of your friends, and porn, unlike candles and Avon, is actually useful.
When our economy finally collapses, this will be the new currency, and we’re fairly certain it’s on Amazon Prime.
This one should be fairly self-explanatory.
3. Duolingo Subscription
It’s always good to know the language of the country you’re going to have to flee to when the West collapses
What, you think the police are going to protect you?
1. Pride stickers for your AR-15
You’re going to do it. We’ve seen your laptop. Don’t tell us otherwise.