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Top 8 Items You MUST Purchase on Cyber Monday

Cyber Monday is like Black Friday but without the having to be actually be around people

KENOSHA, WI– Cyber Monday approaches, and we all know money is tight this year. Inflation is all everyone is talking about, even more important than this country’s slow, inevitable slide into fascism. So soothe your troubled soul with these purchases guaranteed to increase the quality of your life more than anything like those pesky reproductive rights that are rapidly disappearing.

Don’t let anyone tell you these shoes aren’t gender neutral

8. Stilettos

These pointy shoes are not only stylish, they’re practical for when you need to step on the faces of those trying to end your existence. We’re not one for usually recommending luxury brands, but red-bottom heels have the added advantage of hiding any blood stains.

I don’t think the AI I used to create these images knows what a social security card is

7. Your boss’s social security number

Can’t buy it, you say? No, it’s out there, along with everyone else’s, and it’s got endless practical uses. For legal reasons, we’re not going to enumerate them, but use your imagination.

Mmmm, artificially generated boobs

6. All your friends’ Only Fans specials

It’s only polite and right to support the entrepreneurial efforts of your friends, and porn, unlike candles and Avon, is actually useful.

Yeah, we will be the first to admit there’s practicalities we haven’t figured out yet with this one

5. Plutonium

When our economy finally collapses, this will be the new currency, and we’re fairly certain it’s on Amazon Prime.

You know what to do with them

4. Bees

This one should be fairly self-explanatory.

My prompt was “language learning but it’s sexy” and I got this.

3. Duolingo Subscription

It’s always good to know the language of the country you’re going to have to flee to when the West collapses

2. AR-15

What, you think the police are going to protect you?

We’re not sure what flag this is but it looks cool

1. Pride stickers for your AR-15

You’re going to do it. We’ve seen your laptop. Don’t tell us otherwise.