Lifestyle · Queer Coded

LGBT Community Presents Latest List of Objects, Ideas Which Are Gay

NEW YORK- The board of the LGBT community called a press conference yesterday in order to announce their yearly list of objects and ideas which are gay now. The conference drew a broad audience of gay people looking for things to post about online and cishet people looking for what to avoid, but not because there’s anything wrong with it, obviously.

“We are happy to announce,” one board member began, “that the holiday of Halloween continues to be gay. In addition, arbor day is gay now. In exchange, we are returning the Lunar New Year. While the moon is still gay, the Lunar New Year has been downgraded to merely having gay vibes.”

Audience members in attendance nodded silently. The only sound in the room was the sound of pencils scribbling notes.

“Moving onto music,” the board member continued. “We’ve made a very exciting addition this year. Wind instruments are now gay. This does not include brass instruments, although as announced in 2004, the saxophone and tuba are still gay and the euphonium is a trans man.”

“The board has elected to add as explanation for this choice that you’re literally blowing on some pipe, in front of everyone.”

The conference continued for four hours. The only interruption was one cishet audience member screaming and removing his tweed jacket, which had just been pronounced gay.

“Finally, we are upgrading the emotion of wistfulness from pretty gay to extra gay, and ennui is a stone butch now,” the presenter finished. “Thank you all for coming. We’ve made great progress this year, but, as you are all aware, there are still many things that have not yet been declared gay. Let’s celebrate our accomplishments, and get back to work.”