News Shorts

Jenner Looks To Add Gold Medal Of Awful To Collection

Caitlyn On The Trail

SACRAMENTO, CA–Seeking the rush of breaking records that has evaded her for 45 years, Caitlyn Jenner has begun an all-out assault on harming her fellow transgender people, seeing them as an important wedge issue to play to a Republican base that will not vote for her because she is also transgender. She also wants a new gold medal for her collection. “I figure I was a celebrated athlete. People will listen to me if I say something about sports that, perhaps, makes young trans women miserable by denying them the ability to play sports,” she said while steeping her fingers and laughing.

“Of course I know that no transgender kids have really dominated sports in California, where we’ve had laws allowing them to compete since 2014. And I know that requirements entail suppression of hormones. But I really don’t care. I want to lose this election by the most a transgender person has ever lost an election.”

Jenner did deny one rumor, however. She would not be changing her last name to Quisling, stating that it would be ridiculous to change her name considering how much effort her more famous relatives have gone through to lift her out of obscurity 30 years after her heyday and to help avoid jail after killing a person with her car.

Jenner, who is not popular among other transgender people, recently said she wasn’t liked was because she was “not a gutter whore.” She went on. “It couldn’t be that I implied trans women are actually men.”

She appears to be a shoe-in to lose the race to replace Gavin Newsom, whose job she does not appear to understand. Ironically, her lack of qualifications for the position would normally make her more attractive to Republican voters, who consider competency a Liberal trait. This may cause confusion on the ballot.

“I’m just not sure what to do,” stated one Orange County voter. “Yes, she’s trans, but she hates trans people just as much as I do. She’s nearly perfect.”