Curious to know the future? We are too! That’s why we make it up!
♓ Pisces (Fish): February 19–March 20
The planets tell me you might be coming into some money soon, but looking at you tells me you might need to buy some toothpicks. Seriously.
♈ Aries (Ram): March 21–April 19
Whoa. Uhh. I’m going to take out some life insurance on you, buddy.
♉ Taurus (Bull): April 20–May 20
The stars say that you have had recently or will soon have a birthday!
♊ Gemini (Twins): May 21–June 21
That outfit doesn’t match.
♋ Cancer (Crab): June 22–July 22
Today, you will need to make sure to take out the garbage, it’s starting to smell and your pet is getting awfully curious
♌ Leo (Lion): July 23–August 22
Politics just sucks, ya know? Don’t talk about it at work or someone will get upset. That someone may be you, but you are someone. I promise.
♍ Virgo (Virgin): August 23–September 22
You forgot to turn off the stove.
♎ Libra (Balance): September 23–October 23
The placement of Mercury in your sign says that Mercury is continuing to go around the sun in a predicable manner.
♏ Scorpius (Scorpion): October 24–November 21
You’re not going to get that job because you’re a shitty person and don’t deserve it you fucking loser; now just sit and stew with the realization that you do not deserve happiness. Also: play the lotto!
♐ Sagittarius (Archer): November 22–December 21
Whatever you do, don’t eat goats today.
♑ Capricornus (Goat): December 22–January 19
Avoid Sagittarius’ today. I tried to throw them off your scent, but things are kind of sketchy
♒ Aquarius (Water Bearer): January 20–February 18
Just be wary of capybara. They may see nice but they have a vicious streak.