Advice · Lifestyle

Miss Gabby: Is My Butthole The Right Color?

Hi everyone, your favorite Cis aunty is back. I had to take a brief sabatical after my psychiatrist refused to refill my anxiety medication, but I’m back with some marijuana gummies and I’m better than ever. I took four during the SOTU just so I could get through seeing Ted Cruz’s face and I can’t recommend them enough. Now on to the questions.

Dear Miss Gabby,

I’m the mother of a 8-year old trans girl. We live in Little Rock, Arkansas, and with everything going on, my spouse and I are really wondering if we should leave the state before it becomes time for her to go on puberty blockers. My friends all think I’m crazy for wanting to leave, but I only want the best for my children. What do you think?

Small Town Mommy

Hi Mommy,

First of all, I want to say that I’m so glad you are so supportive of your daughter. So many people aren’t these days. Every Christmas I hold a dinner for all the local queer kids whose parents don’t want them. It’s always a great time. Last Christmas I introduced them to rum and cokes while they tried to explain TikTok to me. I still don’t quite “get” it but I’m happy it makes them happy.

Anyway, I have to say that I hope you will be skeptical of your friends’ advice. They were, after all, educated in Arkansas. The state is currently #41 in the country for Education, and #49 for health care. That should be enough to leave, right?

I know it’s scary to leave where you grew up, but let me assure you the grass is greener elsewhere. After all, you’re in the state the rest of the South makes fun of for being backwards.

I don’t really want kind, good-hearted people to leave Arkansas, as they certainly need as many as possible, but as you said, you have to put your children first.

Anecdotally, I was in Arkansas for twelve hours once. I don’t remember much, but someone did defecate on our car for having a “Vote for Kerry” sticker.

Dear Miss Gabby,

Is anal bleaching really necessary? I just broke up with my boyfriend of ten years and I’m relearning what people look for, and I’m not sure I’m up for that. But I would hate to be the only feminine person on the market without a lily-white asshole.

Dingy Rosebud

Dear Rosebud,

I have to admit, your question took me aback a bit. I had to ask a few friends about anal bleaching. I’ve never done it myself, see; I try to stay more “au natural”. So I asked around my friends.

I asked my good friend Brandi, who I met when she was performing at a fundraiser where I provided some of my hand-made soaps as raffle items. (Note: I have some goji berry oatmilk soaps still available for sale, e-mail me!) I asked her if she ever bleached herself there.

Brandi says, “Since my last anal bleaching, I’ve been with 6 or 7 guys and nobody even noticed.”

So I will defer to her in this case. Do what makes you happy.

Dear Miss Gabbi,

Why aren’t there more queer green-card marriages? I feel like TLC hasn’t learned how great of TV those would make.

Day-drunk in Dubuque

Dear Day-drunk,

I think you’re totally right, but I’m worried Canada has been taking in all the fabulous queer opportunity-chasers that the US should be getting. Our reputation has been on the downward trend for a while but hopefully things are getting better. If for nothing else but we need something on Cable that’s better than whatever that Sister Wives show is. (Of side note, if any of the lovely ladies on Sister Wives need help getting out of that situation I know who to contact.)