News Shorts

God Declares Tucker Carlson Gay

The Celestial Domain

CELESTIAL DOMAIN, HEAVEN–Celebrating Pride Month, the Lord High God issued several decrees. God gave three new rules for humanity, “Hi! So, a few things then I’ll let you get back to your pride month celebrations. So first thing, please stop doing terrible things and blaming me for it, okay? It’s kind of a bummer. Second thing is that: those people who think cilantro tastes like soap, sorry about that. We’ll get that ironed out in two or three generations. Okay, and, well, one more thing, Tucker Carlson? He’s gay now.”

A confused Tucker Carlson interrupted filming of his Fox News entertainment editorial program at that exact moment. “What’s that,” he said and tilted his head in his patented quizzically questioning look.

God left without really discussing their plans, but Carlson’s first instinct was not, as Carlson had thought it would be in his darkest hopes and dreams, sex. It was actually a different feeling; he remembered that close roommate in college and saw it for what it was: a budding love and new feelings that were entirely new and yet also very familiar. The respect and affection for this man was, indeed, love, as Carlson knew it.

Later, a spokesangel for God issued a press release that clarified the statement, “It’s not that Carlson was a self-loathing homophobe, but that he was just a homophobe that God decided to turn gay. That other thing might exist, but it was not so in this circumstance.”

Carlson was last seen making that inane face at a man at The Man Hole bar.