By The Numbers · Lifestyle · News Shorts

BY THE NUMBERS: Gay Hits Decade Low Due To Coronavirus

Catastrophic Drop In Gay in 2021
CHICAGO–Judging by the pride parade this year in Chicago, the amount of Gay in the United States has not stopped its previous ascent, but the numbers tell a different story. The level of Gay has dropped to below 2008 levels in the past year, mostly accounting to the Coronavirus pandemic.

“It’s a disaster,” claimed local Gay Union Steward Stewart Stews, who runs the Stewart Stews Shows You To Sew So So, teaching all comers on how to create clothes both Haute Couture and not. “I just can’t keep up my level of Gay this past year. It’s been terrible. I’ve tried so hard. We really need to get together and work to up the level of Gay. Some areas are struggling more than others, but I believe as a culture, we can work together and make this not a lost year.”

Others, such as Carl “Beef” Wellington, disagree. “I mean really, I try not to pay attention to that. It just arbitrary, like, say, the national debt. Or bitcoin.” Wellington, who appears to run a gym out of his garage, went on to say, “All I really pay attention to is the iron.”

Regardless, some people see the drop off in Gay as a success, such as evil harpy and anti-gay extraordinaire Richard Twinkin. Twinkin, says, “It’s really a fantastic sign that the amount of Gay in this city and the country has entered a period of precipitous decline. I can only hope that it continues for the rest of eternity.”

Signs do point to that not happening. With the increase availability of vaccines, there have been reports of local Gay expanding exponentially, with some initial projections seeing 2021 and 2022 with the highest level of Gay since records began to be kept 50 years ago. Which makes Stews smile. “That’s all we can hope for, you know. A little more Gay in our life.”